Horribly Off-Topic

Horribly Off-Topic

clarkwoods.com/hot
with Chris and Steve
233: Candles Suck
Apr 22 • 60 min
Chris needs the best graphics card for boob touches and Steve becomes MacGyver for the movies.
232: Double Satisfied
Apr 15 • 61 min
Steve wonders if ‘Thundercats’ was the show that launched a thousand furries, but Chris thinks that everything is a thing and that it’s just a matter of when it got its name.
231: Doctors With Borders
Apr 9 • 61 min
Steve calls Chris a depresario, but all Chris wants to know is why Judy Blume never wrote a book for him.
230: An Unbeeped Version
Mar 25 • 61 min
Nobody showed Chris how to ease into a mullet. Meanwhile: Steve is rollin’ in the cheap and proclaiming his love for sloppy portmanteaus.
229: Shoe-Horny
Mar 19 • 60 min
Chris and Steve get horribly off-topic from the get-go, then spend minutes 20-48 discussing the film ‘Captain Marvel’ (complete with spoilers).
228: Our Limited Skirmish
Mar 11 • 61 min
Steve wishes he could shuffle a sandwich together, Chris’ belt is named arbuckle, and we’ve both gotten a lot of triples in our lives.
227: Team Ice Cream
Mar 4 • 60 min
Steve needs to crack the case, Chris intends *all* of his puns, and we learn why milk shakes bring all the boys to the yard but frappes don’t.
226: Don’t Call It a Callback
Feb 25 • 61 min
Steve explains how wrestling is like edging, Chris takes inspiration from the old sleepy coat bang, and we learn the name of Jesus’ favorite laundry detergent.
225: The Begots Are the Best Part
Feb 18 • 59 min
Drew Carey is ruining Chris’ childhood. Meanwhile, Steve is wondering: when she makes a mistake, do they call her Robin Wrong?
224: Therapy Spoken by Chris
Feb 11 • 65 min
Steve is sick of farting Fitchburgians drinking tall boys on the train, Chris is worried his therapist will tell him Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria isn’t a real thing, and we imagine what would happen if we traveled back to the age of meaty candy bar…
223: Super Bowl Sunday Pordcast
Feb 4 • 62 min
In which we, two conflicted New England liberals, can’t decide if we want our hometown team to win or lose.
222: Problems With Pants
Jan 28 • 59 min
Chris has troubles with trousers. Steve wonders if you can make paper out of a willow tree.
221: Second-Wave Vegans
Jan 14 • 60 min
Steve got rid of his bag of boogies, Chris is looking for people who enjoy the penis, and we ask the most important question ever: was Wilford Brimley ever cut?
220: Suas Calças Estão Cheias de Queijo
Jan 7 • 60 min
Steve brings our old pal Leo by the studio for a visit, Chris distinguishes himself as a blue-balled man of integrity, and we learn how Proud Boys and Incels are really just modern-day orcs.
219: Hashtag Not My Dog
Dec 26, 2018 • 70 min
Basically: the dog was He-Man, so Chris couldn’t like it.
218: Trigger Warning Too Late
Dec 17, 2018 • 64 min
This week we ask the profoundly important question: if Hitler had magic, could he make Chris enjoy an episode of ‘Seinfeld’?
217: The Museum of Fine Farts
Dec 10, 2018 • 61 min
Chris would rather be Scottish than Irish, Steve played Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, and we solicit suggestions for how to finally get Chris into ‘Seinfeld.’
216: Stevil and Carlsbad
Dec 3, 2018 • 65 min
Chris wonders if shit is holy in all of the Abrahamic religions. Meanwhile: Steve says ‘If you’re going to have a sequel, have a sequel. But don’t call it a comeback.’
215: Dasani and the Sierra Mist Singers
Nov 26, 2018 • 62 min
Steve gets his nails did in Ireland, Mr. Pibb is Dr. Pepper without the degree, and Chris swears that Hall & Oates has one mustache too many.
214: Complete Defensive Porpoises
Nov 19, 2018 • 70 min
Chris breaks a promise, Steve visits the Dingle Peninsula, and it turns out it’s hard to explain a wax museum on the radio.
213: Trach My Word For It
Nov 12, 2018 • 62 min
Steve continues to recount his Irish honeymoon, Chris announces the release of his next book, and we both offer our hot takes on the death of comics legend Stan Lee.
212: Day Bidet
Nov 5, 2018 • 56 min
Steve recounts the first few days of his honeymoon while Chris taste-tests donut-flavored lube.
211: 45 Minutes of Steve’s Balls
Oct 29, 2018 • 61 min
Steve got married and Chris never offered his arm.
HOT Hiatus 2
Oct 1, 2018 • 1 min
Chris and Steve are taking a brief break from the show so that Steve can get married.
210: Legalize Wheelies
Sep 17, 2018 • 65 min
Chris goes to Portland, Oregon for the 2018 XOXO Festival, Steve goes to Portland, Maine for his bachelor party, and one of us goes to the mall and gets our prostrate massaged without meaning to.
209: Alt Water Wheel
Sep 3, 2018 • 64 min
Chris is going to the XOXO Festival in Portland, Oregon; Steve is having a bachelor party in Portland, Maine; and climate change in Portlands all over our fair planet is very, very real.
208: Hands-Free Driving
Aug 27, 2018 • 64 min
Steve has a birthday, Chris has some Ben & Jerry’s, and a listener has some strong feelings about the proper Terminator line-up. Plus: Where is Dyluck?! And: Who is Finley Harlocker?
207: Your Mom’s Cloyster
Aug 13, 2018 • 61 min
Steve thinks listeners would miss Chris, Chris does his best to prove otherwise, and we both wonder what we’d do with Save Points in real life.
206: Hedgehog Neurologists Are the Heroes of Our Time
Aug 6, 2018 • 61 min
Chris saw ‘Christopher Robin,’ Steve saw a beer explode, and Apple saw fit to boot Alex Jones.
205: Tightly Sauler
Jul 30, 2018 • 63 min
Chris is going to kick the shit out of his computer, and Steve is going to kick the shit out of Chris if he wears the orange tie.
204: Musical Beds
Jul 23, 2018 • 61 min
Chris saw a kangaroo, Steve saw a sign, and we see eye-to-eye on the Firing of James Gunn.
203: Super-Ultra Monkey Fist
Jul 16, 2018 • 64 min
There’s an American Girl in Natick and a Match.com girl on Steve’s TV.
202: Rabbit’s Revenge
Jul 9, 2018 • 63 min
Chris drives his family to Universal Studios and Steve reveals that J.K. Rowling hates pinball.
201: Sorry, I’m Mr. Cool
Jul 2, 2018 • 62 min
Steve begs Chris not to get him started, but Chris does it anyway.
200: 1,461-Day Anniversary
Jun 25, 2018 • 65 min
Chris doesn’t think soccer is a sport, Steve doesn’t understand why the dialogue in movies is so damn hard to hear, and we celebrate our fourth year of being HOT.
199: Major Plot Point
Jun 18, 2018 • 64 min
Chris explains that his penis is not dry heaving, not exactly; Steve elaborates on the difficulties of being a video game completionist; and we both sweat our balls off even though it’s not yet summer.
198: Teeth Kissing
Jun 11, 2018 • 62 min
Chris and Steve talk Pride Month, technology conferences, and what the Pac-Man might be if it were the name of a sexual position.
197: High Tolerance for Hot Sauce
Jun 5, 2018 • 61 min
Chris found something to blackmail his high school friends with, Steve heard a rumor about chickens, and the cool thing about the box was the box.
196: A Good Variety of Dumb
May 28, 2018 • 61 min
Chris and Steve discuss ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ ghost population control, and their protocols for pooping.
195: Meowndies
May 21, 2018 • 66 min
Steve learns that less back equals more hair, Chris explains why he stood in line for eight hours the other day, and we agree that there’s no way to stop a wind-up toy.
HOT Hiatus
Apr 23, 2018 • 0 min
Chris and Steve are taking a brief break from the show.
194: Lengthy Handsome Note
Apr 16, 2018 • 63 min
Steve thinks cemeteries are dumb, Chris feels guilt over all the films he’s never seen, and we need to stop celebrating the birthdays of dead people.
193: Unpredictable Tongue
Apr 10, 2018 • 62 min
Chris details an ‘Infinity War’ theory in under a minute, Steve is uncomfortable watching Chris make out in ‘The Mercy Seat,’ and the parties of one year olds don’t always go the way you’d expect.
192: Mackton Porpoises
Apr 2, 2018 • 62 min
Chris tells the tale of his kid’s egg swan, Steve talks about a heck of a comeback, and a listener emails their pitch for a Coen Brothers crossover.
191: Proud
Mar 26, 2018 • 63 min
Chris cries on camera, Steve bets they only encouraged that dog, and we both wonder what it would take to make America Jesus again.
190: What About Bradley Cooper as Rocket J. Squirrel?
Mar 19, 2018 • 66 min
Whilst Chris says something (or, perhaps, many things) to elicit a ‘Goddamnit’ out of his co-host, Steve conceives of an 80s cinematic universe featuring Pee-Wee Herman, the Ghostbusters, and Martin Seamus McFly.
189: Mario Elf
Mar 12, 2018 • 71 min
Chris and Steve are joined by Ryan to discuss backwards compatibility, Boston’s Scuffle Zone, and how there is never an ‘and’ on this podcast.
188: Let’s Not Make Things Things
Mar 9, 2018 • 61 min
Steve doesn’t understand understaffing on a Saturday night, Chris has figured out the best kind of ’chist to be, and the boys discuss the creation of a 21st century Blarney Stone.
187: Inception Is No Exception
Feb 26, 2018 • 60 min
Steve gets the ‘are you fucking with me’ look, Chris explains how to play Murder-Death-Kill, and 147 is the pager code for ‘Steve’s an idiot.’
186: Come for the Novel, Stay for the Crab Cakes
Feb 19, 2018 • 63 min
Chris is rewriting a play, Steve is re-buying video games, and angry young cows are rebelling against their oppressors. Also: #NamisBoobs.
185: Prepon or Postpon?
Feb 12, 2018 • 62 min
Steve has a beef with the Block, Chris thinks lifting is for losers, and a corgi rides a pony.
184: Tripod and Yoga Mat in the Morning
Feb 6, 2018 • 65 min
A listener drops some knowledge, Steve drops a cough, and Tom Brady drops a pass.
183: Turd Arithmetic
Jan 29, 2018 • 65 min
Chris and Steve are joined by Ryan to talk lost thumbs, fair points, and CluckTube.TV.
182: It’s Number Time
Jan 22, 2018 • 62 min
Chris had a walk, Steve had an accident, and Old MacDonald HAD a farm.
181: Grape Nuts Speed
Jan 15, 2018 • 65 min
Chris’ mind is in the bidet whilst Steve watches games done quick. Meanwhile, Chris’ daughter gives an x-ray tech the finger.
180: Rated E for Explicit
Jan 8, 2018 • 64 min
Chris has something to say about wasted youth, Steve has a loud experience on a quiet car, and Great Britain is ruining Kentucky Fried Chicken Twitter.
179: Admiral Arcbar
Jan 1, 2018 • 62 min
Chris and Steve celebrate the new year with tales of arcades, assholes, and the World’s Fanciest McDonalds.
178: This Is a Really Dumb Thought, and We’re Not Even High
Dec 25, 2017 • 62 min
In which Chris and Steve celebrate Christmas 2017 by talking way too much about Ethan Embry.
177: Very Opinionated Opinions
Dec 18, 2017 • 61 min
Chris fails at Christmas shopping whilst Steve discovers it’s a small world after all.
176: Not Bueno or Sano
Dec 11, 2017 • 65 min
Steve clears the air, Chris plays pinball, and we recommend our favorite Richards.
175: The Luddites We Were Meant to Be
Dec 4, 2017 • 63 min
Steve gets a Christmas tree, Chris geeks out about a movie trailer, and we both buy a piece of the wall.
174: You Also Look Great
Nov 27, 2017 • 65 min
Steve attends his 20-year high school reunion, Chris spends some quality time with Stephen King, and we learn that mothers are the antithesis of pirates.
173: Flashfarts
Nov 20, 2017 • 61 min
Chris swears ‘Justice League’ is worth swearing about and Steve had a couple of pleasant surprises this weekend.
172: Mother Eartha
Nov 13, 2017 • 67 min
Chris is full of metaphors, Steve is full of thoughts on Louis C.K., and we’re both full of questions like: ‘Was that Beastie Boys or The Bloodhound Gang?’
171: When a Ragnarok Hits You Right in the Buns
Nov 6, 2017 • 66 min
Steve’s a pinball wizard and Chris has such a supple wrist, which means there has to be a twist, right? Oh yeah: it’s that we say we’re going to spoil ‘Thor: Ragnarok’ at the end, and then we don’t.
170: Explosive Diarrhea Mountain
Oct 30, 2017 • 62 min
Chris regales us with tales of his book’s launch and Steve returns to the scene of the Carlin’s.
169: An Unshaved Private
Oct 23, 2017 • 64 min
Steve is frustrated that the skunk persisted, Chris is worried about ripping people off, and we explain why you can’t dick around with consent.
168: There Was No Hetero Humping
Oct 16, 2017 • 62 min
Steve has another interesting story, Chris doesn’t want to be a Weinstein, and we wonder: at what point, when we were younger, did our parents stop giving a shit?
167: Viddler on the Roof
Oct 9, 2017 • 63 min
Chris reminds Steve that there are two Sarah Connors on ‘Game of Thrones’; Steve is quick like a queef, but says that we can’t call the episode that; and we take two stabs at a tribute to Tom Petty.
166: Nothing to Do With Silas Marner
Oct 2, 2017 • 66 min
Steve is barking at cars, Chris can’t remember the names of people and things, and we have a very scientific discussion about masturbation frequency.
165: No Longer a Spoof
Sep 25, 2017 • 61 min
Chris is sweating dashes, Steve is sweating eggs, and listeners are sweating the details.
164: Fun Natural Fun
Sep 18, 2017 • 62 min
Steve joins a pinball league, Chris might be the second coming of the King, and Juggalos descend on Washington.
163: Harry Nilsson Holograms
Sep 11, 2017 • 64 min
Steve didn’t start remembering things until about 1987, Chris discovers that he’s an American medium, and Bill Skarsgård tries to fill Tim Curry’s big shoes.
162: Monkey Mark and the Monkey Bunch
Sep 4, 2017 • 62 min
Steve has a burgers for breakfast, Chris has questions for Dr. Seuss, and there is a lot to say about ducks.
161: Making Out With a Horse
Aug 28, 2017 • 67 min
Steve knows where he gets his OCD from, Chris knows he should probably tell people he has a book coming out, and we make predictions for the season finale of ‘Game of Thrones.’
160: Portraits of America After the Apocalypse
Aug 21, 2017 • 62 min
Steve has an idea for a happy little documentary, Chris is hearing fighter jets in the mountains, and it’s been so long since we’ve had cake.
159: Take Me Down to the Vatican City
Aug 14, 2017 • 65 min
Steve’s band is big in Europe, Chris wants you to stand by him, and Metacritic ranks 37 Stephen King adaptations (in a row!).
158: Those Extra 4 Ounces of Beer
Aug 7, 2017 • 64 min
Steve swears that no one can chug a gallon of milk, Chris is younger than the goat, and there’s a reason Americans hate the color red.
157: Millennials Are Ruining Tooth Extraction
Aug 1, 2017 • 60 min
Steve wonders about naughty jigsaw puzzles, Chris reports on a one-armed machete-wielding clown, and a listener email demands that we come correct when it comes to Outkast.
156: Turd Anniversary
Jul 24, 2017 • 119 min
Chris and Steve reflect on being HOT for the third year in a row, replaying some of their best material from the past 52 episodes.
155: Gluten-Free Juggalo
Jul 17, 2017 • 60 min
Steve has a theory about the Big Bang and the community, Chris shares news about ICP fans and Catholic celiacs, and Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.
154: The Local Little Person
Jul 10, 2017 • 61 min
Steve is almost done with Zelda, Chris has seen ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ (twice), and there is much to be said about reactions to last week’s puppy chat.
153: In the Original Croatian
Jul 3, 2017 • 65 min
Chris learns what makes a dog dog-shaped and Steve has lots to say about the Super NES Classic.
152: What a Horrible Night to Have a Curse
Jun 26, 2017 • 67 min
Whilst Chris trolls Whovians and soccer fanatics, Steve hunts for houses and a cure for Simon’s curse.
151: Brave Warrior of Central Square
Jun 19, 2017 • 62 min
Chris buys a lawn mower that reminds us of Steve Buscemi, Steve paints a wall at the zoo, and corrections are corrected.
150: Pink Meat & Mayonnaise
Jun 12, 2017 • 63 min
Whilst Steve is ranking Rankin/Bass, Chris is trying his best not to tell dirty jokes.
149: Utyrion Lannister
Jun 5, 2017 • 61 min
Steve thought he saw a puddy tat, Chris definitely saw the days of our lives, and there’s only one way to melt a heart of stone.
148: The Horse of History
May 29, 2017 • 62 min
Steve wants you to smell his hat and Chris wants to get even personal than that.
147: My Hot Backlog
May 22, 2017 • 61 min
Steve improves Chris’ anecdote with well-timed jokes. Chris ‘improves’ Steve’s anecdote with an ill-timed impression.
146: I Take Dolores Umbridge With That
May 15, 2017 • 63 min
Chris missed his calling, Steve tries to snatch a hag’s gem, and we answer the question of which Canadian we would copy.
145: Gold Bond Educated Powder
May 8, 2017 • 61 min
Chris worries that he’s sketchy, Steve wants more Detective Munch, and the French give us something to celebrate.
144: It’s Not Easy Being Portuguese
May 1, 2017 • 62 min
Chris gets many things wrong, Steve wants to know what it means to be removed, and hunting for hedgehogs gets dangerous.
143: Cheez-Its and Jesus
Apr 24, 2017 • 63 min
Chris and Steve do a deep dive on ‘New Warriors’ #27, a Marvel comic book from 1992. That, plus a Rhode Island Rave and a roleplaying game that was banned by Boy Scouts.
142: Things That Fly Over Their Helmets
Apr 17, 2017 • 61 min
Chris shares his secret to Easter and a euphemism for smoking pot that Steve doesn’t like at all. Meanwhile, Steve slam-tilts pinball machines and explains why he’s happy with Louis C.K.
141: The PawSox of Professional Wrestling
Apr 10, 2017 • 59 min
Chris had a thing for a Purity girl, Steve had a thing for singing chipmunks, and they both have things to say about Chaotic Wrestling’s show in Woburn, Massachusetts.
140: The Golden Quill
Apr 3, 2017 • 61 min
Steve was stuck in a dungeon for three weeks, and all you got was this lousy t-shirt. That, plus Chris’ accident and a bus driver’s big mistake.
139: Other Potential Candidates
Mar 27, 2017 • 64 min
Steve has bones to pick with batteries, audio tapes, and warning labels and Chris has opinions about the redemptions of Roy Cohn, Adolf Hitler, and George W. Bush.
138: Why Are You Happy?
Mar 20, 2017 • 62 min
Chris takes a therapeutic dose of iron fist, Steve revisits Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders, and a cruel fate is hypothesized for the Vice Homophobe of the United States.
137: Grand Theft Zelda
Mar 13, 2017 • 66 min
Chris and Steve are joined by special guest Ryan to talk about switches, vampire slayers, and sand getting everywhere.
136: I Don’t Want You Licking My Switch
Mar 6, 2017 • 64 min
Chris untangles the Terminator, Steve blows his nose, and Nintendo gets bitter.