Abject Suffering

Abject Suffering

abjectsuffering.fireside.fm
Why are you doing this to us?
186: Family Dog
Mar 26
Since nobody knows what "Family Dog" is, we address the Shaq flat-earth controversy head on.Links:Beetlejuice's Rockin' Graveyard Revue - Universal Studios Hollywood - 1999 - YouTube
185: Engineering Jones and the Time Thieves of DSPea!
Mar 20
The wonderful Jim Crawford joins us to talk about the weirdest advergame that ever was. You should probably at least check this out. It's free. https://archive.org/details/msdos_ENGJONES_sharewareSpecial Guest: Jim Crawford.
184: Quattro Adventure
Mar 13
Finally, we get the chance to not talk about four games at once!
183: Wall Street Kid
Mar 6
Greed is good, and so is this game… kinda.
182: Sunday Funday
Feb 27
This game, also known as Menace Beach, teaches us that even Sunday School teachers can be sexy.
181: Mad Dog McCree
Feb 20
Get along there pardner, to listen to us holler 'bout them FMV cowpokes over yonder.
180: Nightmare Circus
Feb 13
It came from Brazil!
179: Goonies II
Feb 6
Don't get it twisted: We like this game.
178: Robopon
Jan 30
When you go to the toilet, make sure it's a toilet.
177: Joe & Mac
Jan 23
Cave men AND ninjas? This is conceptually crowded. Please note: the last half hour of this episode is all spoiler-chat for Westworld.
176: Castlevania 64
Jan 16
It's a black sheep, ugly duckling, awkward teen. It's Castlevania 64, and we use it to talk about weird sex.
175: Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Jan 9
Today we revisit the classic Leonard Nimoy documentary: "In Search of… Mascot". Sega, what were you thinking?
174: Eye of the Beholder
Jan 2
Stay tuned through the end to learn shocking new facts about Beholders and Alton Brown.
173: Dungeons & Dragons: Warriors of the Eternal Sun
Dec 26, 2016
Discussion of a bland D&D game for Genesis gives way to talk about sports, then a little bit about politics. Sorry, we're only human!
172: X-Men: Wolverin’es Rage / Revenge
Dec 19, 2016
A small error and Marvel's lack of originality has lead to another classic Abject Suffering book report mix-em-up!
171: Cyberia
Dec 12, 2016
My cyber friends, let us avoid the crunchpunks by plugging this filthy jack into the back of our elbows… Here we are: absorbed within the placentaverse of this vegan dopplersphere.Links:peaceful skeleton realm attacked by helicopter - YouTube
170: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days
Dec 5, 2016
Can gritty presentation save a mediocre third person shooter? We find out what separates the 50 Cents from the rest.Links:Postal, Hatred, and Weighing the Worth of Asshole Simulators - YouTube
169: Space Ace
Nov 28, 2016
Our most foul game prototype yet springs from a game that falls in the bottom 5% of everything we've ever covered on this show.
168: Mega Man 3: The Robots Are Revolting
Nov 21, 2016
Hi, I'm Maga Morn and I'm here to beat the Robert Masters.
167: Iron & Blood: Warriors of Ravenloft
Nov 14, 2016
Inside the case, you find an object so cursed that even Strahd would object to its existence. A dim mist descends…. You are now in Ravenloft.
166: Crazy Frog Racing 2
Nov 7, 2016
Europe was a mistake.
165: NotGTAV
Oct 31, 2016
Slight discussion of a super British anti-game quickly gives way to an anxious therapy session about the 2016 US election. You've been forewarned!
164: Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Oct 24, 2016
We recorded this one in case of emergency, since our great godfather died on Columbus Day.Links:Gremlins 2: The New Batch (video game) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaGremlins 2 - Nes - The New Batch - Full Playthrough - No Death - YouTubeGremlins 2 DOS…
163: Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme
Oct 17, 2016
Gotta say this will be a weird one, Syrg. It's a dicey thing to talk about, hopefully we treat the subject matter with a respect that is completely lacking in the original product.Links:GBDNATE FAQ — A rundown of some of the goofier parts of the game’s…
162: Fun ‘n’ Games
Oct 10, 2016
Prepare for a game that's better than Mario Paint, if your metric for quality is "number of animal sounds available for music composition".Links:Fun'n Games (SNES Gameplay) - YouTubeFun 'n Games - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
161: Pesterminator: The Western Exterminator
Oct 3, 2016
From behind you, you hear a wheezing rasp. Before you can turn, you feel the rush of air. You know he's standing there, wagging both his finger and his hammer. As though to confirm the inevitable, you make the last movement you'll ever make. You wheel…
160: Aero the Acro-bat
Sep 26, 2016
It's an also-ran on the level of Sparkster and Bubsy, an attempt to cash in on the mascot craze with the ugliest hero imaginable. It's Aero, the Acrobatic Bat.
159: Animaniacs: Lights, Camera, Action!
Sep 19, 2016
This raffle-winner episode about a terrible, outdated isometric collectathon comes with a SEVERE content warning for the last third of the episode… specifically for people who get squeamish about eye stuff.
158: The Ooze
Sep 12, 2016
The ultimate lesson of this tech-demo stretched to full game is "be yourself." Also, if any viscous substance crosses our doorstep, we'll immediately start talking about ejaculate.
157: Catechumen
Sep 5, 2016
Nick Glauber joins us this week to talk about a misguided Christian FPS that's so bad, it makes us physically ill and destroys our computers.Special Guest: Nick Glauber.
156: The Adventures of Rad Gravity
Aug 29, 2016
The only "rad" thing about this game is its name, but there might be something worthwhile here. Also, orbs. Orbs. Orbs.
155: South Park
Aug 22, 2016
It's a game that will make you physically ill, and ideologically queasy!
154: Warlock
Aug 15, 2016
Thus begins a strange new fascination.
153: Boogerman
Aug 8, 2016
Of all the games to break the top 10% of things we've covered for the show, how in the world is "Boogerman" one of them?
152: Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This at Home
Aug 1, 2016
It's our most upsetting episode opening to date!
151: Sonic the Hedgehog Spinball
Jul 25, 2016
Up Next: The Christian spinoff, Sonic Sinball.
150: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Jul 18, 2016
An infamously bad redemption. Thanks for being with us for 150 episodes!
149: Holy Diver
Jul 11, 2016
Evan Jones Thorne, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh what's becoming of me. Ride the tiger, you can see his stripes but you know he's clean… Oh don't you see what I mean. Gotta get away… Evan Jones Thorne.Special Guest: Evan Jones Thorne.
148: Kids on Site
Jul 4, 2016
The Forces of Evil are bolstered as Fruit Man joins their ranks, with his demonic possession meat puppet Dizzy and their plaything Nuts.
147: Space Station Silicon Valley
Jun 27, 2016
In the warmth of Derek's reign, we must still suffer through this inventive, sublime, but outdated wreck of a game.
146: Buck Bumble
Jun 20, 2016
Bump to the boom to the boom to the bass, bump to the Praise Derek!
145: X-Men: Mutant Academy
Jun 13, 2016
Jeremy Greer joins us to talk about the least-inspired X-Men game since the NES one.Special Guest: Jeremy Greer.
144: Charlie’s Angels
Jun 6, 2016
Basic brawler leads to banter about 'bate'n.
143: Iron Man and X-O Manowar in Heavy Metal
May 30, 2016
Did they think we wouldn't notice? They take this incomprehensible Z-tier superhero and group him in with everyone's favorite rascally tycoon… Despicable. The first half of this episode is business as usual. After the music, we talk about Captain America:…
142: Lagoon
May 23, 2016
Muddy Waters, get out of my foundry!
141: Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue
May 16, 2016
Superstar guest Jenni Polodna joins us to talk about new ways to open sardine cans, ASMR, and Wild Horse Rescue.Special Guest: Jenni Polodna.
140: Skeleton Krew
May 9, 2016
More "K"s than a Mortal Kombat fan konvention. Also, another isometrik klusterfukk.
139: Hudson Hawk
May 2, 2016
A love letter to falconry and harp.
138: The You Testament
Apr 25, 2016
A bold and unpredictable creative culmination.
137: Day Dreamin’ Davey
Apr 18, 2016
Will Hughes of the AV Club joins us to talk about Christian Slater, and we spend a little time going on an incredibly mundane flight of fancy with a kid who came unprepared to school.Special Guest: Will Hughes.
136: Haunting Starring Polterguy
Apr 11, 2016
To install the Haunting screensaver, just should "Polterguy!" three times.
135: Duke Nukem Forever
Apr 4, 2016
At last we find it, a game that's not just underwhelming… but also actively evil.
134: Aerobiz
Mar 28, 2016
Brayton Cameron joins us to talk about the fast-paced breakneck twitch action of Aerobiz, featuring a demo for Koei's new breakout strategy jam: Nobunga's Ambition.Special Guest: Brayton Cameron.
133: The Three Stooges
Mar 21, 2016
The Attic Stooge is like a hot tub or pool. Even if you don't use it yourself, you keep it around for the resale value.
132: Eternity’s Child
Mar 14, 2016
It's the longest we've ever stayed on topic as we talk about a reviled recent indie release, and its questionable creator.
131: Don’t Go Alone
Mar 7, 2016
This game is good. So good that we spend our time taking quizzes about teen substance abuse.
130: Spot Goes to Hollywood
Feb 29, 2016
It's another explosion at the Asset Factory as mascots go on parade to pick up the wreckage. Do we all look like Spot to Dracula?
129: Nightmare Creatures
Feb 22, 2016
Discussion of this highly adequate proto-Bloodborne segues into nightmare therapy.
128: Faceball 2000
Feb 15, 2016
Listen in for Gary's most incredulous reaction to Kole yet.
127: The Terminator
Feb 8, 2016
Jim Crawford helps us build a hellcube of flesh in which to play painball.Special Guest: Jim Crawford.
126: Omikron: The Nomad Soul
Feb 1, 2016
In memoriam.
125: Rascal
Jan 25, 2016
The Rascal is a shit person of dark origins and darker designs. Don't let him corrupt your sweet baby boy.
124: SOS
Jan 18, 2016
Something terrible has happened, but we must soldier on as we did before. RIP Phillipe and Renaldo?
123: The R-Zone Zone
Jan 11, 2016
After some unfortunate happenings with the network, we are forbidden from doing any more episodes of Abject Suffering. But, with some re-tooling, we're happy to reveal our newest property: The R-Zone Zone.
122: Ribbit King
Jan 4, 2016
Let's talk about frolf and other fever dreams.
121: T&C Surf Designs
Dec 28, 2015
Gather 'round the table, one and all, and share in a slice of this mean, mean tube.
120: Alpha Mission
Dec 21, 2015
This never would have flown in Zelda Times.
119: LSD Dream Emulator
Dec 14, 2015
This week's episode is a serious contemplation of the competing merits of random content and authored content. No goofs this week, no ma'am.
118: Dunjax
Dec 7, 2015
This week, we Dunjax the Dunjax until the Dunjax Dunjax.
117: The Aidyn Chronicles
Nov 30, 2015
Remember that time in the 90's when we all had pica?
116: Wade Hixton’s Counter Punch
Nov 23, 2015
Listen to two nerds be ambivalent about sports and punching.
115: Spelunker
Nov 16, 2015
This week, we call an audible and talk about Spelunker in one of our rare in-person episodes. Is the crown prince of kusoge as bad as everyone says?
114: Rap Jam: Volume 1
Nov 9, 2015
What's harder: Talking about sports, rap music, or staying awake? The answer may surprise you.
113: Mountain Bike Rally
Nov 2, 2015
Now we need to strike exercise games off of our list, although this did teach us about the futility of ever trying to control our actions.
112: Monster Party
Oct 26, 2015
What does Monster Party have in common with going to municipal water treatment plants and living in a spooky RV? NOTHING.
111: Mortal Kombat: Special Forces
Oct 20, 2015
Gate 1 darkness the world of demons Gate 2 my guards are watching you Gate 3 only evil lives here Gate 4 theres no way out Gate 5 feel the fire Gate 6 pick up your weapons and fight And dance with the devil
110: Total Recall
Oct 12, 2015
Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the shit I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness…
109: Mario’s Early Years
Oct 5, 2015
This week on Abject Suffering, we learn a valuable lesson. To never do educational games again.
108: I Wanna Be the Guy
Sep 28, 2015
This week we talk about [dies]
107: Quest 64
Sep 21, 2015
Journey with us to the heart of blandness. Watch for the polygons, they're extra sharp this time of year.
106: The Angel Quiz
Sep 14, 2015
Part 2 of the Zoo Dog Chronicles proceeds, with us taking the Angel Quiz. Will we ascend to heaven? Or will be burn in hell?Links:Video version of the Angel Quiz video — Please, you have to watch this.
105: The Zoo Race
Sep 7, 2015
Welcome to the series finale of Abject Suffering, because we'll never find anything better than this. Pack it up and turn out the lights, Cheers-style.
104: Barney’s Hide and Seek Game
Aug 31, 2015
Come out, come out, wherever you are. Barney loves you. Barney wants to find you. Barney wants to kiss you forever.
103: Zombie Nation
Aug 24, 2015
What's the most patriotic thing to do with your own dead body? The answer may surprise you.
102: Legend
Aug 17, 2015
Scientists toiled for years to create a game whose title is invisible to modern search engines. This is the fruit of their labor.
101: The Karate Kid
Aug 10, 2015
Listen in to hear two sad adults talk about how their adolescence was shaped by a fascination with violence.
100: Action 52
Aug 3, 2015
It's the 100th episode, so it only makes sense that we talk about Action 52. Numerlogically, of course. Let's consider the rippling chests of the Cheetahmen, while we record live in front of our most loyal Patreon backers.
99: Bert’s Dinosaurs
Jul 27, 2015
Sam, we have to talk. You suggested an application. A paint application. Others should take note, we might not do this again. However, this paint program inspired us to talk about the depraved life of Mr. Ed as a depraved BDSM sub, and we add another to…
98: Illbleed
Jul 20, 2015
It's a redemption the likes of which can only be delivered on Abject Suffering, as we find goodness within a maligned classic and gather enemies along the way.
97: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Jul 13, 2015
Allison Baker joins us to talk about one of the most infamous NES games of all time. Also, we introduce a fun new character.Special Guest: Allison Baker.
96: King’s Quest V
Jul 6, 2015
It's a classic Abject Suffering switcharoo as we talk a little bit about King's Quest V for the NES, and then pivot to talk about Buffo the Clown.
95: Peach the Lobster
Jun 29, 2015
Peach the Lobster. Wag the dog. Redeem the creator.
94: Kid Klown in Night Mayor World
Jun 22, 2015
A disturbing exegesis of clown biology, reproduction, and maximum strength.
93: Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage
Jun 15, 2015
90's comics? Yes, please.
92: Drakkhen
Jun 8, 2015
The SNES is remembered fondly for its RPGs, but it took a while for them to become, you know… good. What does this have to do with Klowns? Listen and find out.
91: Super Boy Allan
May 31, 2015
Of all the episodes we've ever recorded, this one peaks the earliest.
90: Courier Crisis
May 25, 2015
The second of our live-streamed episodes, Gary brings Courier Crisis to the table… a game that precedes Crazy Taxi by several years but fails miserably where that later game succeeded. Also, a contentious discussion about Offspring.
89: Puggsy
May 17, 2015
The Psygnosis Train continues in our first live-streamed episode of Abject Suffering. Kole brought Puggsy to the table, a staple of his childhood that — it turns out — isn't so much terrible as it is inscrutable. Also, we discuss lycanthropic buildings.
88: Ganja Farmer
May 11, 2015
Prepare to beat up two nerd with conflicted opinions about marijuana culture. Also, prepare for a Crick-esque surprise.
87: Casper
May 4, 2015
An earnest discussion on ghosts, jerkin' it right, and the nature of belief.
86: Bad Rats: The Rats’ Revenge
Apr 27, 2015
The odds were stacked against us. However, a despicably racist and universally reviled game can still bring some delight. Bring it on, Bad Rats.
85: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Apr 20, 2015
It's another movie pitch that's sure to make us millions: Dracula Force 5. It's a crisis on infinite Transylvanias as every representation of Dracula in media throughout history converges to fulfill some dark purpose. Alternate Title: Dracula vs. Dracula…
84: Tom & Jerry
Apr 13, 2015
We are on the verge of a dark future where the best of men know that their satisfaction can only be guaranteed if they take it into their own hands. But the powers that be are dead set on denying humanity their purpose. Across sweeping fields of sorghum,…
83: The Crow: City of Angels
Apr 6, 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new nadir. Though we often traffic in bizarre oddities and inscrutable ventures, The Crow: City of Angels is a failure on every level.
82: Shadow of the Beast
Mar 30, 2015
Cloudy with a chance of eye storms.
81: Onesimus: The Quest for Freedom
Mar 23, 2015
And lo, the Lord sayeth, render a game unto my people based upon Z-List Bible characters. And it was not good.
80: Mickey Mousecapade
Mar 16, 2015
Countdown to when Iron Man bursts through my apartment wall to issue a cease and desist. Then the Goof Troop will haul me off to the big mouse.
79: The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy
Mar 9, 2015
On this occasion, Abject Suffering finally comes into its own, transforming into what we always knew it would be: The Egg Cast. Thank you for ushering in this apotheosis, Dizzy.
78: Air Fortress
Mar 2, 2015
Discussion of Air Fortress, a serviceable yet boring shoot 'em up / jump 'em up, quickly turns to erotic fan fiction about the robot from Lost in Space, the curse of penis-shaped food, and powdered peanut butter.
77: Spy vs. Spy
Feb 23, 2015
It's time for a slightly more straight-laced Abject Suffering as we are joined by Bob Mackey (of the Retronauts) to discuss Spy vs. Spy, MAD Magazine, and the role of satire in society. Also: Fan Fiction Rap Battles.Special Guest: Bob Mackey.
76: Wrath of the Black Manta
Feb 16, 2015
In this week's edition of Oversharing, we dedicate a good half of a podcast to discussing the strangest meats we've ever eaten.Special Guest: Zack Johnson.
75: Stalin vs. Martians
Feb 9, 2015
Where do mimes come from? How do you undertake to make fun of a clown so that he really stays made fun of? Jenni from Video Games Taco (@lycrashampoo) joins us to find out. Stalin vs. Martians was only available for purchase for a few months in 2009. It…
74: Xenophobe
Feb 2, 2015
It was the year 2170 and Detective Jack Cyber looked out his window at the fossil fuel burning cars on the street below. Teeming throngs of citizens on roller blades frequented the payphones below. Jack's pager buzzed insistently on his desk, right as a…
73: The Incredible Crash Test Dummies
Jan 26, 2015
You come crash into me, and I come into you in a dummy's dream. In a dummy's dream.
72: Darkman
Jan 19, 2015
It's a Darkman's party, who could ask for more?
71: Chocobo Racing
Jan 12, 2015
Kweh.
70: James Pond 2: Codename Robocod
Jan 5, 2015
Robopond hungers. Robopond tires of the tubes making a mockery of his efforts. Robopond will make waves. Robopond will devour all. Robopond is hate.
69: Skate or Die 2
Dec 29, 2014
There's only two ways this can go.
68: Platoon
Dec 22, 2014
Two universal rules: Every dad will talk about Platoon, and never make eye contact with Kremlo.
67: Bubsy 3D
Dec 15, 2014
Sometimes we get static over how little we talk about video games on this show. We fix that this week. We found a game so bad that it broke the show: Bubsy 3D.
66: The Simpsons - Bart vs. the Space Mutants
Dec 8, 2014
It's all we ever wanted to do: to talk about The Simpsons on a show. But it shouldn't have been like this. Not like this. These aren't the aliens we were told to expect.
65: Metal Morph
Dec 1, 2014
!sdrawkcab lla ti od ew tpecxE … .M.E.R dna seidaL dekaneraB eht tuoba klat daetsni tub hproM lateM tuoba klat ot tuo tes ew ,gnireffuS tcejbA fo edosipe lanoitnevnocnon siht nI
64: Kick Master
Nov 23, 2014
Something written for information should be to the point and not too cute. This is an episode of the Abject Suffering program about the NES game Kick Master.
63: Circus Charlie
Nov 16, 2014
"Circus Charlie" isn't the preferred nomenclature anymore, dude.
62: Solar Jetman
Nov 8, 2014
So little in this life can be regained once it is lost. Hair that is cut off grows back. Sometimes Deborah will realize she's wrong and leave Reginald, returning to your waiting arms. If you cough up any baseball-sized shanks of sea shell throat meat, you…
61: Athena / Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu
Nov 2, 2014
"Let's roll with it." "Throw it in." "Fuck it." These are words that cowards are afraid to say. We here at Abject Suffering are far from cowards. No, we don't just admit our mistakes, we lean INTO them.
60: SwordQuest: EarthWorld
Oct 26, 2014
For Sale: Single Chalice, gold. Wands, scepters, gems and scimitars optional, will talk. No negotiation, cash only. I'm on to your games. I've been down this road before. Bow before the zodiac puzzlemaster.
59: Fester’s Quest
Oct 19, 2014
TV Land, 2:00 A.M. - The Addam's Family, "Not Without My Kitty." Uncle Fester has a breakthrough and attaches a functioning second dick to himself. Meanwhile, Gomez disrobes and devours Morticia's elbow skin.
58: Doug’s Big Game
Oct 12, 2014
Hey everyone, remember Doug? The nineties, am I right? Oh man, life is a grim chore.
57: Fish Dude
Oct 5, 2014
Listeners essentially listen to a podcast, and audio program released over the internet, about an ostensibly bad but actually good video game for the Gameboy called Fish Dude. Long story short, and stated as simply as possible, this is a wonderful…
56: The Rocketeer
Sep 28, 2014
BREAKING NEWS: Babe Ruth sinks a fly ball right into the cerebral cortex of Joseph Goebbels in this alternate universe where balls are the new phallic symbol.
55: Fist of the North Star
Sep 21, 2014
Gather 'round and hear a tale of how two guys can't decide why they don't like anime.
54: Hydlide
Sep 14, 2014
Cat*fish [kat-fish]: noun. 1. any of various fishes having a fancied resemblance to a cat. verb (used without object), verb (used with object) 2. Slang. to deceive, swindle, etc. by assuming a false identity or personality online: "He fell in love with…
53: Chex Quest
Sep 8, 2014
GENERAL MILLS MEMORANDUM: All Staff. For several fiscal reporting periods, we've all felt the systemic pressure on the Chex brand that arises due to the close relationship between the corn-square vertical and the dairy vertical. If you will open the…
52: Bébé’s Kids
Sep 1, 2014
Job Posting: NEEDED - Tone Lōc Lookalike (or: Lōcalike). Does not need to sound like Tone Lōc, I will cover the auditory portion of the ruse. Need to handle infestation of Bébé's kids at my theme park. Will pay in funnel cakes and ride vouchers. Call…
51: Psybadek
Aug 25, 2014
Text found on a flyer of a Bronx corner store: "HEY, YOU KIDS. DROP YOU'RE CYBADEKS AND STOP CONTRIBUTIN TO THE DEGRADATION'S OF SOCIETY. THE NEXT CYPADEK I SEE IS GOING RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE" and then the rest is torn off.
50: Bad Mojo
Aug 18, 2014
We're tired of it. Being pushed around, look down upon, treated like garbage. One day, soon, we're going to… oh god, we're bugs now. Fortune, and good mojo, have ordained that our 50th episode be about a good game that one of us actually played to…
49: Darkwing Duck
Aug 10, 2014
Script Treatment: Duck Generations. EXT. — DAY: Donald, Scrooge, Darkwing, and Jason Alexander waddle into a liquor store, shades perched precariously on their bill. Each squawks incomprehensibly, as if trying to out-fury each other. ECU on a nervous…
48: Toys
Aug 4, 2014
Hey Robin Williams: You cool, dawg? Can't quite settle on a single voice there. We're on to your "spaghetti against the wall" garbage. Black preacher? So played, and kind of racist. Nobody actually remembers when you were any good at anything.
47: Dudes With Attitude
Jul 28, 2014
We were walking the perimeter of the Crick estate, shoring up the tree line and clearing brush. Michael kicked aside some beer cans, and chuckled quietly to himself. "What's so funny?" I asked, wiping my brow to keep the sweat bees at bay. "Teens. It's…
46: Master Chu and Drunkard Hu
Jul 21, 2014
Mark another tally up on the "Canonical Worst Games" wall. Odds are good we're going to clear this pantheon out. One day a hard rain is gonna come, suffering style.
45: Toilet Kids
Jul 13, 2014
Wherein we consistently miss the easiest target.
44: Legacy of the Wizard
Jul 6, 2014
Legacy of the Wizard is a good game. Listen to us talking about making No. 3.
43: Godzilla
Jun 29, 2014
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound he pulls the spitting high tension wires down. Helpless people ona subway train scream, bug-eyed as he looks in on them. He picks up a bus and he throws it back down as he wades through the buildings toward…
42: Shadowrun
Jun 22, 2014
Mediocrity is the most mortal sin of all. So we'll kindly excuse ourselves out the side door.
41: Cho Aniki
Jun 15, 2014
This might be the third rail, but I'll bend over and take it. Spray your disapproval all over me if you must, but I believe, to the very last drop of my being, that we need more positivity in this world. If it has to come in the form of Cho Aniki, in its…
40: Strider
Jun 8, 2014
Like thieves in the night, we assassinate a game that is misguidedly referred to as a "classic" by some poor souls who don't know any better.
39: A Week of Garfield
Jun 1, 2014
Being on a weekly format, we've had to cut some corners. Syndication is tough, so in order to keep our quality consistent (if mediocre), we've farmed the creation of these shows out to a network of corporate subsidiaries. Stay tuned for the reveal of Gary…
38: Felix the Cat
May 25, 2014
Come with us to a time before sound, when dancing cats were no longer condemned as signs of witchcraft, even though they carried bags of tricks. To a time where Kole, unstuck in time, actually liked Felix the Cat at a young age. To a time when we play an…
37: Superman 64
May 18, 2014
Faster than a frightened cockroach. More powerful than my aversion to the sun. Able to disappoint your parents in a single loan. It's Superman 64!
36: Horse Isle - The Secret Land of Horses
May 11, 2014
Jenni from Video Games Taco joins us to answer the most pressing question of our time: "Is horses like cars but with meat?"Special Guest: Jenni Polodna.
35: Samurai Ghost
Apr 27, 2014
It’s strange but true, but customs that we attribute to a given locale often have shared roots. For example, did you know that seppuku and pumpkin carving come from the same, misguided place? Listen to the end to find out! We are joined by Riff from Video…
34: Harley’s Humongous Adventure
Apr 13, 2014
There are many ways in which a man can be small. Let's take stature as a given. There's also pettiness, deceit, closed-mindedness… All of these diminish us. What else diminishes us? Shrink rays of our own design. We already live in an alien world, we just…
33: Body Harvest
Mar 30, 2014
In the long view, the Ninentdo 64 might be Abject Suffering, the system. In our initial estimate, the NES seemed like the most fertile and hateful ground… but the N64 is a remarkable moment in history where everyone's reach exceeded their grasp. Example:…
32: King of Dragons
Mar 16, 2014
We're not fond of turning nouns into verbs, but "thrifting" is to be considered a valid terminology for the purposes of this podcast. We're not proud, and we never said we weren't hypocrites. We also never promised to do things like "actually talk about…
31: Episode 31: Ballz 3D
Mar 2, 2014
Squares. Circles. Tetrahedrons. The stately geodesic dome. Icosahedrons. Cubes. Hypercubes. Sentient cubes. BALLZ.
30: Cool World
Feb 16, 2014
How does a person feel when they stare into the smoldering, waiting eyes of their creation? When it clambers for your attention… wanting love, wanting validation… wanthing to feel something, ANYTHING. That's how God feels about you ever day. God loves…
29: Yu-Gi-Oh!: Worldwide Edition: Stairway to the Destined Duel
Feb 2, 2014
Not everyone knows the creation myth for anime. One day in a peaceful village in Japan, a truck carrying a surplus of decimal places from the war overturned, spilling extra zeroes and permanently altering the population. What was once 20 was soon 20,000.…
28: Stone Protectors
Jan 19, 2014
Stones are pretty neat. They have things to say about the world around us. Like Andy Dufresne once said, "All it takes is pressure and time." Natural forces shape the elements of our world into beautiful crystalline forms that dazzle and delight. What…
27: Scrapyard Dog
Jan 5, 2014
Your average hot tub is kept at around 100 degrees farenheit. While many find this temperature to be pleasing on their muscles and soothing on their joints, what they don't realize is that this is also approximately the temperature of the inside of their…
26: Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City
Dec 22, 2013
We might secretly like sports. Or, at least, Gary might. One imagines him as a closeted basketball hound, feverishly building brickets for his Springtime Fever league, going in on office pools to see which squadrons will tame the orange bounce.
25: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Dec 8, 2013
Captain Planet got a raw deal. Nobody knows why he woke up the way that he did, with a head shaped like a globe. You can't blame him for being bitter… a guy with a globe for a head walks into a bank, he ain't gonna get a small business loan. So he leans…
24: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Nov 24, 2013
We're surrounded every day by things that will outlive us. This glass, if it doesn't shatter, will probably be in a Goodwill long after I'm dead… helping some other soul drink water without getting their shirt wet. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are…
23: Mission: Impossible
Nov 10, 2013
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take this container of Vaseline, and smear it all over these Doritos. Just really get it in there. That's right. Rub it real good. Now stack them up and press your face into it. You deserve this, don't…
22: Friday the 13th
Oct 27, 2013
If people don't stop having sex, then the human race is done for. The church has done all it can, but it's not enough. We must instead turn to our masked vigilante saviors to stop this sexy, sexy scourge once and for all. Jason Voorhees gets a pretty good…
21: Home Alone
Oct 13, 2013
Home Alone was written by John Hughes. So were a bunch of other movies. He was a fixture, and then he just went away. Was he aware of this game? Did he conceive of the stereotyped mobsters that are in it? Were the giant spiders under the house the whole…
20: Ren and Stimpy Space Cadet Adventures
Sep 29, 2013
You've gotta love a good moral panic. Of all the things that were supposed to ruin me as a child, very few of them did. Instead they twisted me and shaped me into the man I am today… Simpsons fixations and all. What I should have been wary of was crass…
18: Captain Skyhawk
Aug 28, 2013
We don't contend with mediocrity that often. So far, the closest we got was Pac Man 2, and that doesn't really count since it's so weird. Captain Skyhawk doesn't really belong here. You fly around and shoot some aliens and stuff, you do a bunch of…
19: Mohawk and Headphone Jack
Aug 28, 2013
Let me tell you a few things about Michael Henderson. He's a Duckfeed.tv superfan who regularly contributes to our shows. He graciously backed the Watch Out for Fireballs! Kickstarter campaign. He's also a merciless, calculating miscreant who means only…
17: Bubsy II
Aug 14, 2013
This is the singularity that happens when 1000 bad ideas try and cram their way into a premise that isn't promising. This is our first mascot platformer… any why not live life to the hilt?
16: Road Runner’s Death Valley Rally
Jul 31, 2013
Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite? The only explanation involves temporal fuckery, and a holistic approach to why he is…
15: Where’s Waldo?
Jul 17, 2013
Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts. This NES…
14: Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker
Jul 2, 2013
Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders. Got any suggestions for…
13: The Uncanny X-Men
Jun 19, 2013
It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?
12: Spellcraft
Jun 5, 2013
There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it. Wait… there's heartbreaking,…
11: Pac Man 2
May 29, 2013
Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?
10: Wayne’s World
May 15, 2013
So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a…
9: Deadly Towers
May 2, 2013
Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity.
8: Jurassic Park
Apr 17, 2013
Hey there, Clever Girls… are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt. And we don't care that you get to be a raptor, because that's the…
7: Home Improvement
Apr 2, 2013
Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury. Also, something about men and…
6: Shaq-Fu
Mar 20, 2013
Shaq is baq, and he's on the attaq! Sucked into the Second World and tasked with saving a little Japanese boy, it's sure to be a shoq to his system. However, us qanny gamers will know how to guide him to victory against voodoo priestesses and, Carnage? I…
5: J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings Volume 1
Mar 6, 2013
I don't remember the part of Lord of the Rings where Frodo got a sword that would turn things into skeletons… let alone, I don't think he had it in Hobbitton. But that's the least of our worries, as we try and ignore the bitchin' tunes and talk about how…
4: Mike Tyson’s Intergalactic Power Punch
Feb 20, 2013
While just blog-checkin' on Tyson, we found this amazingly awful and weird game. Things take a turn for the serious as we talk about the ethics of professional sports, and how they relate to Space Jam. Is Noted Rapist Mike Tyson able to punch out the…
3: Captain Novolin
Feb 5, 2013
It's a dark night for the world… Mandatory Municipal Pepsi has rendered the entire population diabetic, and only one man, Captain Novolin can save us. Eat the good aliens, and avoid the bad, and hope to Christ that you have enough blood.
2: Kid Kool
Jan 23, 2013
Kid Kool is here to teach you the ways of love, as he begins our long and fruitful affair with bad NES platformers. Have you been good? If you died today, would you go to Jump Heaven or Speed Hell? We will all be judged, abjectly.
1: Revolution X
Jan 9, 2013
Living it up while you're going down? Picture Steven Tyler making a series of tuna fish sandwiches, while you're suffering through a pretty crappy light gun game. That's Revolution X. Gary and Kole aren't pleased, but we quickly get off the topic of this…