You Look Nice Today

You Look Nice Today
A Journal of Emotional Hygiene

California King: “What is HØL?”
Apr 4 • 37 min
Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama. Everything was…
51: Vintage Vape
May 16, 2015 • 11 min
Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.
50: Scat Academy (Part 1)
Nov 1, 2013 • 46 min
Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™. No dogs, babies, or squares allowed. In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue: SCAT: Gom…
49: Make a Given Wish
Jan 2, 2013 • 28 min
As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need. So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a…
48: Schrodinger’s Conference Bag
Dec 2, 2012 • 33 min
Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™! Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012! Join old…
47: Adam Ruins Everything
Nov 2, 2012 • 40 min
Listen. It’s actually very simple. When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income. Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most…
46: Poolside
Oct 2, 2012 • 36 min
ATTENTION! POOL RULES! Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15. Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool. This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times. Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a…
45: Morning Glory
Sep 2, 2012 • 30 min
TO: Paul Polman, CEO Unilever PLC London, United Kingdom Dear Mr. Polman, I hope you can help me. You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to…
44: The Rules
Aug 2, 2012 • 39 min
Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership! Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering,…
43: Gellies Local 416
Jul 2, 2012 • 33 min
Thieving Threesome Nabbed (California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies…
42: Druthers, CA
Jun 2, 2012 • 40 min
Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us: • Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward. • DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover. • No sighing in the…
41: The Stenciled Approach
May 2, 2012 • 40 min
The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear! First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, pressed, steamed, folded, blocked,…
40: Lobster Farm
Apr 2, 2012 • 30 min
We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know. To honor that love, we worked with a team of chefs to…
39: Razzledazzle
Mar 7, 2012 • 35 min
Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales. It’s a start.
38: That’s Babies
Nov 3, 2010 • 41 min
“Baby City” Trad., to the tune of “Tabula Rasa” by Arvo Pärt Babies are special babies are tough babies have smooth skin NE-VER rough! Have you been to this place this magical land where everyone’s a baby (baby hearts, baby hands baby hearts, baby hands…
37: The Magic Number
May 19, 2010 • 34 min
We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it. This episode is about friendship. (And some other…
36: Bubbles
Feb 9, 2010 • 41 min
Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction Beginning @ 9:00 AM-85 Herston Rd. Long Beach, CA Feb 8, 2010 Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M. Auction With Reserve Will Be Conducted By: Leroy D. Plaavs, III, License #KCL6232 Notice: LIQUIDATION OF THEIR 15’ x 25’ EXECUTIVE…
35: The Sake Period
Dec 4, 2009 • 29 min
Subject: #1228743 “Mann” Application Date: September 4, 1980 Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is Subject’s 12th separate application to the Board in just the past 2 years. No signs of progress. Pictured,…
34: In Congrefs
Oct 8, 2009 • 32 min
Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia Hotspots starts in 5 minutes! For just a few dollars we’ll take you on an all-day tour of The City with a…
33: Breakin’ In
Sep 16, 2009 • 43 min
While under the influence of y, we reveal that: Merlin once put x in an envelope. Scott hoped another guy’s x would draw attention away from his own -(x). Adam = 2x. If y = “tequila,” solve for x. Also: Belch alert. Home invasion defense strategies,…
32: The Good Part
Jul 30, 2009 • 31 min
You’re gonna love it—the guitar does this “Wheeee!” thing while the drums go all “Chukka chukka booda booda.” OK, here it comes. Shhhh! No wait, that’s not it. Almost there, just after this last chorus. Seriously, I think you’re going to love the song…
31: Lonely Polisher
May 22, 2009 • 41 min
Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009 We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in Portland, on Sunday. In between: laughs,…
30: Angry Captain
May 6, 2009 • 34 min
INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.…
29: Vachina
Mar 26, 2009 • 49 min
Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a new koch; how many greeting cards does it take to change (or not change) Los Altos?; Playing Marco Polo…
Feb 18, 2009 • 24 min
Merlin: Boy Scout Scott: Boy Scout Adam: YMCA Indian Guide
27: Christmas Is Near
Feb 3, 2009 • 30 min
Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE. Topics include, but are not limited to: Virtual presents Secret Santa? Secret Sucker! 1978 Holiday…
26: Nickelpuss
Dec 10, 2008 • 38 min
1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss: Th’ evil alley boys taunted him, But ole’ Young Joe made his way. Terrible crash of bowlin’ pins Th’ sound of a…
25: Faire du camping
Dec 3, 2008 • 26 min
If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and the sturdy padlocks on the studio doors that prevented their escape. This episode will be more interesting than…
24: Faux Tog
Nov 24, 2008 • 32 min
YLNT VSOP, Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so. A partial list of works referenced in this episode, and their creators: “Colonel…
23: Selfish Express
Nov 13, 2008 • 52 min
It’s YLNT VSOP, Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton. Aided by Hodgman’s expertise and Coulton’s hatred of poetry, we finally got to the bottom of our most lingering questions: Why is…
22: Who Voted?
Oct 28, 2008 • 36 min
Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend you print it onto waterproof paper,…
21: Mr. Owl
Oct 16, 2008 • 45 min
FIRST: Nose harmony, quarters, who’s Capote now?, “He plays you better than you play you,” layers of latex, latchkey ontologies, start shooting your stock scenes now, one water ski or two? AND THEN: Out-browed, back when it was called Mr. Owl, shared…
20: Transitions
Oct 9, 2008 • 28 min
You’ve just hopped on the #17 Express and must quickly decide where to sit. In the back of the bus, four teenagers have staked their claim to a dozen seats. An old woman sits next to an open, delicately balanced bag of cat food. Up front, fumes rise from…
19: Man School
Sep 30, 2008 • 30 min
Now* accepting applications for the Class of 2016! Sample from our wide range of available courses, including Sociology 102: Shaving, Chemistry 206: Principles of Muskmaking, and Techniques in Silent Disdain. Independent study credit (read: drinking…
18: Tang Tangs
Sep 16, 2008 • 29 min
The parenting of negligence, things you didn’t know about gas stations, ancient aphorisms, tethered to a key, you go in and stay there until you have wisdom, They’ve Got It!, blue sky pie in the sky, Adam tries a little culture jam, Sunday morning habits,…
17: Where Is the Ham?
Sep 9, 2008 • 41 min
Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, face school. Important questions…
16: The Tux Age
Sep 2, 2008 • 23 min
We’re back from summer break full of something and something. Expect weekly episodes until it’s time for fall break. Or early September break. Break! Pilaf games, the myth of women and computers, retroplagiarism can happened to you, young butlers in high…
15: Rampant on a Field
Jul 29, 2008 • 35 min
Down and out in Улаанбаатар (sorry, Mongolia!), remembrance of fights past, rampant on a field of Wheat Chex, stickin’ with the quadrupeds, Adam’s almost assaulted, don’t flog Detroit’s dead horse, the MySpace Generation has nothing to lose, guac attack.…
14: Aunt Nancy
Jul 18, 2008 • 27 min
Sit back, relax, mix yourself an Aunt Nancy but don’t cross the swords. We’re coloncasting over at ¿Esto debería estar en el recipiente de correo? Body (Not) Movin’.
13: Expressed as a Vest
Jul 8, 2008 • 32 min
Unhealthy ligatures, a course of Prednisone, “I’m not following you!”, obscure chess moves, smoking for the cure, misused orifices, we pass as nosies, Karl Van Hœt.
12: Live!: Baby on a Dog
Jul 2, 2008 • 39 min
Recorded live at the Dark Room Theater in San Francisco. Don’t miss lots of great photos from the event. Desperate for funds, we explore opening a restaurant. Along the way, Sandwich cries in the bathroom, Merlin sings a song, and Scott gets some…
11: Guaranteed Morrie
Jun 23, 2008 • 34 min
Parental interference and other awkwardtunities, pie vs invisibilty, how Adam will die, Tuesdays with Tom Waits, Wisdom Experience guaranteed, another factory closes (bagpipe soundtrack).
10: Early Bird
Jun 11, 2008 • 41 min
How do your socks feel about it?, a new kind of retail experience, Sandwich knows his Douglas Firs, Farewell to Tight (actually The Sun Also Tights), white shoes, Los Altos Rancho Vista Wi’z, dippin’ dots, our favorite indie bands.
9: Truck Spank
Jun 2, 2008 • 37 min
So sorry!, the oxygen lobby, doin’ the Skokie, Wallet-on-Chain is not a town in England, Sean Connery is Japanese, What’s your latte name?, pre-disposable feminine hygiene, @EffingBoring gets the carnation.
8: Sacks-Minnelli Disease
May 21, 2008 • 44 min
Doing the fishstick, Sacks-Minnelli Disease, on the logical possibility of a cool fannypack, who’s your frelative?, “A Touch of Asperger’s”, social pressure at work (show your support for Dennis), what’s your standing O face?.
7: Nary a Dude
May 12, 2008 • 32 min
Sheriff’s got a posse, Clarence the barber (and his balls), the benenemafits of a Fleet-based regimen, the grapefruit and bacon diet, Neti pots and other 100% legitimate remedies.
6: Jobbo
May 5, 2008 • 44 min
Jamón y jabón, computerized career counseling, nicaragua@nicaragua.nicaragua, Sandwich does the Boogie Oogie, skating to college, Checkin’ Out!, Angus Young-brand smelling salts.
5: Schadenfunny
Apr 29, 2008 • 47 min
On Being Boring, crazy meat, Merlin knows how to build a team, Lonely Spacecamp, Clooney trumps Hill but both beat you, Encounters with Celebrity, nickel bags of chocolate, a fowl deposition, the Tony Danza Story.
4: Peak Hair
Apr 21, 2008 • 45 min
"Oh my God: you GUYS!"; Scott sports vomit; Merlin raises a Predator; Scott has a hair theory about ladies who sing; Merlin calls for a National Day of Goatee Reconsideration; Adam moves into the nascent pubic wig vertical; The Boys crave new custom…
3: Snare!
Apr 14, 2008 • 30 min
Sign up for SNARE!, Ol’ Grandpa Mann’s Phlegmatic/Bucolic Humour Balancing Apparatus, the magical beards of junior high, receiving pleasure for money, The Nerdiest Photographs in the World.
2: Known for His Reach
Apr 9, 2008 • 42 min
Merlin looks for cashews, Allan Holdsworth saves a kitten, Scott licks shiny faces, “arrested developments” in Adam’s pants, Elvis gives away trailers like they were moon pies, Scott plugs into the baptismal, and @Moltz wins our first carnation.
1: Morning Powder
Apr 4, 2008 • 27 min
Cosby takes the Queen to a dunk tank, office resources sparingly allocated, sponsors intimidated. Assorted loofah-related incidents.