Designated Parent

Designated Parent

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Kids programming through adult beverages.


Underdogs
Aug 2 • 54 min
How are there no dogs or caves in this movie?
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Jul 26 • 64 min
Reminding children that the military industrial complex rains supreme and you only have the rights they want you to have.
Wrinkle in Time
Jul 19 • 52 min
A beautiful acid trip where Oprah pretends to be 30 feet tall and the queen of the universe when we all know she’s not a bit over 26 feet tall.
UP
Jul 12 • 77 min
A charming story of an accidental child abduction.
G-Force
Jul 5 • 52 min
A great reminder of why we drink. G-Force is the story of talking guinea pigs that… honestly, who knows? It’s a mess.
Artemis Fowl - LIVE
Jun 28 • 93 min
Tired of social distancing? Wishing we could be in your house with you watching a movie and making snarky comments? Then do we have an episode for you. This is our commentary track to be synced up with the Disney+ version of Artemis Fowl. So here’s what…
The Goofy Movie
Jun 21 • 55 min
In this episode, Adam asks way too many questions about Goofy’s biology, classification, and reproductive cycles.
Finding Nemo
Jun 14 • 65 min
Lisa and Adam discuss gender and clown fish and incorrectly identify the capitol of Australia several times.
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Jun 7 • 44 min
It’s Baby’s First Wes Anderson this week. Do our kids like style over substance or is this not their cup of fake British tea?
Scoob!
May 31 • 82 min
The nostalgia button gets hit again and again as Adam relives his favorite Saturday mornings.
Disney Studio Shorts
May 24 • 57 min
This is a weird one. A bunch of short little videos back to back with no coherent theme. Kinda like my life.
The Princess Bride
May 17 • 76 min
As you wish…
The Great Mouse Detective
May 10 • 55 min
Not the highest form of Disney animation, but not the worst. Except for that weird part in a mouse strip club.
Abominable
May 3 • 70 min
Adam and Lisa attempt to get banned in China.
Zootopia
Apr 26 • 82 min
Disney picks an unlikely setting for their follow up to Robin Hood.
Spies in Disguise
Apr 19 • 63 min
Will Smith, the voice of the genie from Aladdin, according to my former children, stars as a bird. He’s reached the part of his career where he’s doing talking animal movies. I’m sorry, Will.
Detective Pikachu
Apr 12 • 64 min
In the unofficial sequel to Deadpool 2, Ryan Renolds sasses his way through another franchise.
High School Musical
Apr 5 • 72 min
The movie that spawned 2 sequels, a TV series, a licensable high school musical about this high school musical and a TV show where they watch people do the high school musical version of high school musical and then the final layer, the movie of the high…
The Great Muppet Caper
Mar 29 • 64 min
There’s a point in the 1980’s where you could get a job by walking into an office and demanding one. This is a throwback to that fantasy.
Disney’s Zombies
Mar 22 • 64 min
Reporting on a post apocalyptic vision where humanity has failed its most vulnerable. Man, that’s hitting a little close to home this week.
Onward
Mar 15 • 96 min
We review a movie still in the theaters! Adam reveals how little he knows about Dungeons and Dragons and Lisa does, too, but she’s not surprised about it.
The Incredibles
Mar 8 • 90 min
What could be easier than raising a family? Raising a family of superheroes without anyone knowing they’re superheros.
Harry Potter Revisited
Mar 1 • 64 min
Did you think Lisa got all her questions and concerns about Harry Potter out last time? Well, you were wrong. Here she goes again.
Woody the Woodpecker
Feb 23 • 62 min
Whoever keeps putting these computer animated cartoon and video game characters into movies with real life actors really needs to stop.
Toy Story 4
Feb 16 • 62 min
For what is hopefully, but not probably, the last entry in the Toy Story saga we take a look at the transcendental terror of existence, dabble in the body horror genre, and deconstruct the waning status of monogamy in the 21st century. You know, for kids.
Tangled
Feb 9 • 85 min
Disney brings you Stockholm Syndrome, but cute.
Hop
Feb 2 • 73 min
They make Easter movies now? About the Easter bunny? Was anyone really calling for that?
Secret Life of Pets 2
Jan 26 • 72 min
The sequel we always wanted where we ask many questions about Hu greenlit this movie.
Jimmy Neutron
Jan 19 • 62 min
The third best computer animated film 2001 had to offer.
Year in Review
Jan 12 • 28 min
We did it. We actually stuck with something for an entire year. What have we learned by this? Nothing much, apparently.
Camp Cool Kids
Jan 5 • 75 min
In this episode, Adam has flashbacks to his days spent outside and remembers why he promised to never do that ever again.
Star Wars Ep. IX - Rise of Skywalker
Jan 3 • 98 min
The final (riiiiight) installment of the Skywalker Saga aka the main Star Wars movie. We’re pretty sure we forgot more than we remembered, but it’s still a fun ride.
Noelle
Dec 29, 2019 • 73 min
Anna Kendrick is probably part elf. You can’t prove she isn’t.
The Christmas Project
Dec 22, 2019 • 61 min
WARNING: THIS EPISODE MAY CONTAIN SPOILER REGARDING THE EXISTENCE OR POSSIBLE NON-EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUSE. Now that is out of the way, we watch a sappy seasonal movie about recapturing the true meaning of Christmas in 1986.
Star Wars Ep. VIII - The Last Jedi
Dec 17, 2019 • 46 min
Sneaking in another episode before the next movie comes out. Enjoy?
Star Wars Ep. VII - The Force Awakens
Dec 15, 2019 • 86 min
Because, yes, it’s about time it got up and made someone a shitton more money.
Star Wars Ep. III - Revenge of the Sith
Dec 8, 2019 • 64 min
Lisa just watched it for the first time. Adam hasn’t seen it in years. We get several plot points very wrong. See if you can spot them by yelling at your phone when they pop up!
Star Wars Ep. II - Attack of the Clones
Dec 1, 2019 • 54 min
If you didn’t get enough stilted acting and parliamentary procedure from the last episode, have we got a welcome surprise for you!
Star Wars Ep. I - The Phantom Menace
Nov 24, 2019 • 63 min
It’s as if a million nerds cried out at once, and were still complaining 20 years later.
Star Wars Ep. VI - Return of the Jedi
Nov 17, 2019 • 78 min
The Jedi have returned but… why? And for how long? And what’s the big plan, anyway? There is a plan, right? I mean, we’re not just walking into an obvious trap. Right? Right?
The Lorax
Nov 10, 2019 • 55 min
A little, furry man saves the world. Yes, we’re talking about Danny DeVito.
Star Wars Ep. V - The Empire Strikes Back
Nov 3, 2019 • 56 min
Easily the most watchable of the Star Wars films, probably. At least Lisa thinks so, and she has opinions as to why.
Star Wars Ep. IV - A New Hope
Oct 27, 2019 • 56 min
It’s a classic. It’s required viewing in my house. And, it turns out, Lisa’s not impressed.
The Grinch
Oct 20, 2019 • 60 min
The most recent re-telling of the legend of the Grinch, which still fails to justify its existence over a 30 minute cartoon.
Alvin and the Chipmunks meet the Wolfman
Oct 14, 2019 • 50 min
Think it couldn’t get worse than the live action Alvin and the Chipmunk movies? Well, you’re right. But this one isn’t really worthy of the nostalgia.
Shrek
Oct 6, 2019 • 52 min
The greatest movie of our time? Probably not. The greatest performance by Eddy Murphy in a children’s movie? Also, probably no. Mike Myers’ best work? Still… no. But it’s Shrek and it kept Smashmouth on the radio for longer than any of us could have ever…
Descendants 2
Sep 29, 2019 • 29 min
With Lisa out of town, Adam has to rely on some even more unreliable narrators to get through this episode.
Descendants 3
Sep 22, 2019 • 70 min
No, you didn’t miss an episode. Our kids just didn’t want to watch Descendants 2. So we watch this one instead. We’d like to think seeing the second part would make the third part make more sense but, honestly, we don’t know how that would be possible.
Descendants
Sep 15, 2019 • 78 min
In a world where all the Disney films apparently happened at once, and where Beast has united the kingdoms under his iron rule… Would have been a much better intro. Instead, we get a high school musical with the Disney villains’ kids and way too much…
Middle School
Sep 8, 2019 • 46 min
The fight club of the next generation.
Wreck it Ralph
Sep 1, 2019 • 76 min
Remember, you can never be anything besides what you were born to be so just make the most of your freakishness and hopefully you can help some of the other freaks you meet along the way. Or possibly something more encouraging. Honestly, I don’t even know…
Kronk’s New Groove
Aug 25, 2019 • 62 min
It was the early 2000’s and Disney decided everything needed a sequel. Even things they just made. At least this one kept most of the original cast. And, really, that’s the best we can say about it.
Daddy Daycare
Aug 18, 2019 • 62 min
Eddy Murphy makes kids movies. This one thing you must remember or nothing that follows will make any sense. Approaching Pluto Nash levels of bad writing, acting, directing and special effects, we submit that this is not something he should be proud of.
Monsters, Inc.
Aug 11, 2019 • 76 min
Teaching our kids that anything is acceptable if you’re doing it in order to produce energy. Right?
Secret Life of Pets
Aug 4, 2019 • 80 min
When their owners are away, pets will get into a series of unbelievable exploits but still somehow make it back home through a locked apartment in time for their owners’ return. But, somehow, it’s not terrible.
Emperor’s New Groove
Jul 28, 2019 • 69 min
The best movie to come out of Disney between 1995 and… well… we’re waiting.
Despicable Me 3
Jul 21, 2019 • 67 min
Did the world need 3 Despicable Me movies? No. But they got them anyway. Here’s our thoughts on the third.
Peter Rabit
Jul 14, 2019 • 66 min
Mediocre children’s book turned worse than mediocre children’s movie.
It Takes Two
Jul 7, 2019 • 93 min
Is this the best Olsen Twins/Kristy Allen/Steve Guttenberg/Rob Base & DJ E-Z crossover event of all time? I mean, I hope not. But here we are.
Malibu Rescue - The Series
Jun 30, 2019 • 67 min
Did you think that one movie was enough to tell the saga of the lives of the Malibu Rescue team? You were right. But here’s a miniseries anyway.
Malibu Rescue
Jun 23, 2019 • 86 min
Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski. Actually, if at all possible, we should all really try to stay out of this one.
Lego Movie 2
Jun 16, 2019 • 65 min
Back after a little time off, we dig into the movies our kids watched on vacation, starting with the sequel to one of my least unfavorite kids movies.
Bedtime Stories
Jun 9, 2019 • 60 min
Adam Sandler and Russell Brand bring you the story of how a grown man tries to manipulate kids’ imaginations to get everything he ever wanted and instead ends up with the world’s weirdest guinea pig.
Zoom
Jun 2, 2019 • 76 min
Tim Allen stars in what was not his worst film of 2006. But it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.
Tornado Update
May 29, 2019 • 1 min
We are fine. Everything is not fine. But we are fine.
Lion King
May 26, 2019 • 70 min
Reviewing a masterpiece before the inevitable unnecessary remake. Hippy Juice 1 Cup Watermelon Vodka 1/2 Cup Rum 1/2 Cup Triple Sec Top a gallon with pink Country Time lemonade made to instructions.
Avengers: Endgame
May 19, 2019 • 80 min
We’re in the endgame now… We finish up last week’s discussion about the Marvel Cinematic Universe by looking at Avengers: Endgame. Again, maybe some spoilers.
Lisa vs. The Marvel Cinematic Universe
May 12, 2019 • 83 min
*SPOILERS* THIS EPISODE CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR MOVIES CURRENTLY IN THEATERS. Lisa and Adam blow through the entire MCU up to Endgame in a single episode. Spoilers abound, but so does confusion. Also, Adam is wrong, Howard stark is in Captain America: The…
Harry Potter
May 5, 2019 • 76 min
We have many questions about the Harry Potter universe. But since half the team is a drunk Hufflepuff, we may never know the answers.
Christmas Chronicles
Apr 28, 2019 • 58 min
Snake Pliskin does Santa Clause. Not the weirdest casting for the jolly old elf, but not a great movie, either. Melonade: 1 oz. Raspberry Vodka 1 oz. St. Germain 1 oz. Cranberry juice 1/2 oz. Lemon juice 1/2 oz. Simple syrup Add all ingredients to a…
Odd Squad
Apr 21, 2019 • 58 min
A love letter to Canadian children’s programming, and why you should be listening to their soundtracks.
Chicken Little
Apr 14, 2019 • 61 min
The timeless tale of why your town probably shouldn’t get a significant portion of its identity from that time you all freaked out because a four year old told you the sky was falling. Also, there are aliens.
Hercules
Apr 7, 2019 • 67 min
Here’s an idea… let’s make a kids movie based on Greek mythology. It’s the only logical direction to go after the success that was Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Emoji Movie
Apr 1, 2019 • 62 min
It’s a movie… about emoji. We’ve hit the bottom and kept digging.
Christopher Robin
Mar 24, 2019 • 55 min
What could possibly be creepier than the 1980’s Winnie the Pooh show on the Disney Chanel? Oh. Yeah. Christopher Robin with PTSD.
Super Buddies
Mar 18, 2019 • 46 min
The final installment of a 14-ish movie series based on that one video that won America’s Funniest Home Videos in 1991. Really.
Spy Kids 4D All the Time in the World
Mar 10, 2019 • 69 min
The most unsettling moving Robert Rodriguez’s production company has ever made.
Cars
Mar 3, 2019 • 54 min
Adam’s awkward answers about anthropomorphic automotive anatomy.
Into the Spiderverse
Feb 24, 2019 • 102 min
Can an infinite number of radioactive spiders biting an infinite number of moody teens create a good movie?
Gnome Alone
Feb 17, 2019 • 47 min
Looking into the happy side of child neglect and abandonment, it’s this week’s episode of Designated Parent.
Captain Underpants
Feb 14, 2019 • 73 min
Seriously, who is looking after these kids in Piqua, Ohio?
Hotel Transylvania 3
Feb 3, 2019 • 58 min
The exciting conclusion to the immortal Hotel Transylvania trilogy. Wait, who are we kidding? They’re going to make more and more of theses until they lose all meaning and outnumber the Land Before Time movies.
Fuller House
Jan 27, 2019 • 61 min
Tonight we dissect the multi-generational trauma that is Fuller House, where nothing makes sense and everything seems like it was written by aliens who were told, vaguely, how humans behave.
Santa Paws
Jan 21, 2019 • 51 min
A movie about a talking dog and its friends saving Christmas. Because that’s original. Pass the Merlot.
The Chipmunks: The Road Chip
Jan 17, 2019 • 68 min
Our first episode, recorded on a dare. One of us gets a little drinky while we try to remember what happened in the movie we literally just watched. This time it’s the sequel to the sequel to the Squeakquel. Because no one should have to watch these…