Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

www.beachtoosandy.com
A comedy podcast featuring dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by real people with not-so-real problems.


79: Reviews of Water Parks
May 27 • 53 min
Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste… this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother’s favorite joke. Well, maybe that’s the worst part of the episode. We’ll let you be…
Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered
May 22 • 31 min
Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it’s like to be an oxygen-dependent woman of a certain age. That’s our story, morning glory! Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox…
78: Craft Stores in Raleigh, NC
May 20 • 43 min
The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they’re on a mission… to normalize… constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you’re welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of crazy craft store reviews and reviews of cat cafes from people…
Schiefer Madness: Karma Will Prevail
May 15 • 33 min
From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it’s a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can you, but we’d encourage you to donate to the One Fair Wage Emergency Fund by going to…
77: Lakes in Minnesota
May 13 • 57 min
Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we’re going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all the crazies Minnesota has to offer. Buy our brand new merch!…
Between You And Us: Episode 16
May 11 • 40 min
Before you listen to this episode, we’ve gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you do, you’ll have to follow the golden rule: ~*~Impeccable Vibes ONLY~*~ Only then can we accept you as our…
76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA
May 6 • 59 min
We’ve got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a “Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser” pin, a “Baron of Cream” shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you’ve ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this episode isn’t for you. Because the lit…
Between You And Us: Episode 15
May 1 • 49 min
Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we’re counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go…
75: Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, NY
Apr 29 • 63 min
We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki #WhitePizzaWith500RawOnionsInAPoolOfWater Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A!…
Schiefer Madness: Animal Crossing
Apr 25 • 35 min
Listen to this week’s episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, listen to this episode to hear us audition for the role of Animal Crossing voice actors, and to find out…
74: Cigar Shops in Cuba
Apr 22 • 51 min
Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode of your favorite review reading…
Schiefer Madness: it’s about GI troubles that we all have
Apr 18 • 38 min
Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that’s of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We’ve got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us for a Gonzo ride in this edition of…
73: Monuments in Washington, D.C.
Apr 15 • 54 min
YEGADS! In this week’s episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn’t convince you to listen to this one, then we don’t blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big brother watching you through light…
Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer
Apr 10 • 28 min
Is that title really not enough for you? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel to see our beautiful faces! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch!…
72: Resorts in Mexico
Apr 8 • 62 min
Let me tell you something, bro… *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe…
Schiefer Madness: Tiger King
Apr 3 • 50 min
Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven’t watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pretty nonsensical. All we want to do during our stay-at-home order is drink wine and rescue bobcats, but…
71: Universities in England
Apr 1 • 59 min
Love a good panto? That must mean you’re British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you’re participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we’ve had on the show, and there’s nothing…
Schiefer Madness: Quarantine Cuties
Mar 28 • 38 min
You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won’t save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this surprise bonus episode. Please stay safe out there! And a very big thank you to everyone who is still…
70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand
Mar 25 • 52 min
Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on…
Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing
Mar 20 • 61 min
Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate!…
69: Saint Patrick’s Day Reviews Extravaganza
Mar 18 • 78 min
If you’ve never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you’re meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We’re reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick’s Day! Christine even sings and you…
68: Beaches in Australia
Mar 11 • 58 min
If you’re considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name…
Between You And Us: Episode 14
Mar 9 • 38 min
If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we’d recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far away from this one. Ok now that the…
67: Reviews of Disney Parks
Mar 4 • 68 min
Sure, we’re probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their ‘cloyingly ahistorical’ parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of…
66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany
Feb 26 • 54 min
Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you’re a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we’d…
65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland
Feb 19 • 61 min
You’re joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager…
64: Valentine’s Day Reviews Extravaganza
Feb 12 • 54 min
The Valentine’s Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don’t listen to this one because you’ll have to wait another week. Surprise! It’s a Valentine’s Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready…
Between You And Us: Episode 13
Feb 10 • 27 min
If you look in the mirror and say “RED RAW’ three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and…
Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY
Feb 7 • 33 min
We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotify, and all our beautiful listeners who made this possible.…
63: Karaoke Bars in Halifax, NS
Feb 5 • 54 min
We’re going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in an escape room. Secure your patio…
62: Dunkin’ Donuts in Concord, NH
Jan 29 • 57 min
Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we’re about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin’ Donuts in the northeast, specifically in Concord, New Hampshire. Then, Alex completes the challenge of finding…
61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS
Jan 22 • 53 min
Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We’ve got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak ‘n Shakes from Ashley. We welcome everyone…
60: Pizza Places in Wichita, KS
Jan 15 • 56 min
After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of gay bars and they’re just as good/bad as you expect. Buy our…
Between You And Us: Episode 12
Jan 13 • 56 min
Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We’re back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horses and put down your pizza rolls, because something is rotten in the State of Yelp… Enjoy! Go watch our…
59: Resorts in Charleston, SC
Jan 8 • 51 min
We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real people. I’m too sick/seeping too much to think of funny things to write, so just try to enjoy another…
58: Arcades in Nashville, TN
Jan 1 • 59 min
Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) in Nashville, TN. Then Alex lives up to his challenge,…
57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza
Dec 25, 2019 • 72 min
This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans… at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it’s not caused by Starbucks holiday cups. Apparently those are just the result of Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Losers…
56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT
Dec 18, 2019 • 65 min
This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. We hope this episode doesn’t leave your puggle craving human flesh! Go watch our latest YouTube video to…
55: Car Dealerships in Fargo, ND
Dec 11, 2019 • 51 min
Happy podversary!! We’re celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we’ve finally revealed the identity of the man behind our intro. And no, it’s not Bosephus! So go watch our…
Between You And Us: Episode 11
Dec 9, 2019 • 64 min
All hail King Salmon! Just… don’t order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month’s episode, we read some of the worst reviews you’ve ever sent us. And we’re starting to think they cut off all circulation to our heads, because we blacked out halfway…
54: Menards in Eau Claire, WI
Dec 4, 2019 • 50 min
Don’t do us bogus and give this week’s episode a listen. If you don’t, Alex is going to take Christine’s bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is dead, and about how much better Timmy Ho’s is compared to…
53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza
Nov 27, 2019 • 74 min
*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia of reviews that Christine brought to the table. Thankfully the couple Mr. and Mrs. Farmer redeem us in…
52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD
Nov 20, 2019 • 56 min
Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover Boss. If you want to hear Christine’s beautiful singing, you’re maybe the only person ever to feel that…
51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA
Nov 13, 2019 • 59 min
*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see…
Between You And Us: Episode 10
Nov 11, 2019 • 39 min
If you’re reading this, you are officially banned from LeanCuisine.com. Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YOU, our lovely listeners. We hope you love this month’s episode, but if you don’t we are prepared to pay…
50: Apartment Complexes in Grand Rapids, MI
Nov 6, 2019 • 68 min
This week’s episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora. Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week’s underbelly is even hairier. If you’re looking for an apartment in Grand Rapids, we hope you don’t take this episode into…
49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA
Oct 30, 2019 • 121 min
Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you’re reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests are. Well guess what, we’re not going to spoil the greatest…
48: Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, VA
Oct 23, 2019 • 46 min
WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP! Looking for a nose to pick? You’ve come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as we kick off spooky-ooky season with Halloween stores in Virginia Beach, VA! Support us on Patreon at…
47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA
Oct 16, 2019 • 45 min
Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don’t we take this back to our garden. We’ve got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don’t let Louis out, we’re happy he left his post at the winery for us. He just really loves when we…
Between You And Us: Episode 9
Oct 14, 2019 • 50 min
Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We’re reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill…
46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY
Oct 9, 2019 • 57 min
Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine’s basement full of teens. Listen as we unload reviews of fitness centers from Cheyenne, WY (and Helena, MT, don’t worry). Alex also shares…
45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA
Oct 2, 2019 • 60 min
It’s Alex’s birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimately sings the praises of Scrub Daddy. Listen to your Podcast Messiah and his sister as they take you on…
44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE
Sep 25, 2019 • 52 min
Don’t know what a runza is? Don’t listen to us, because we think it’s a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don’t have personal experience because we don’t even know where Nebraska is. Thankfully, the good people of Nebraska…
43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME
Sep 18, 2019 • 59 min
We’re heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We’re stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we’ll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town while we do it. Enjoy calming episodes of Antiques Roadshow as…
42: Ice Cream Parlors in Charleston, WV
Sep 11, 2019 • 43 min
Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering… something. We’re back and we’re hungry for what West Virginia has to offer, hairy underbelly and all. So turn your ;( upside down and let these regular bloody stupid johnsons take…
Between You And Us: Episode 8
Sep 9, 2019 • 31 min
If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, “No one would ever complain that their water is too wet…” then boy do we have the episode for you! This week we read reviews sent in by YOU and this week’s includes one with that very…
41: Psychics in Albuquerque, NM
Sep 4, 2019 • 56 min
This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let’s just say one has high metaphysical prices while the other is ruled by a farmer friar. Still not making sense? Then rub your Walmart crystals and take a hit…
40: Gas Stations in Wilmington, DE
Aug 28, 2019 • 73 min
We’re forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. Hint: it involves wet shorts and Mao Zedong. Then we read reviews of gas stations… but they’re mostly Wawa…
39: Bookstores in Portland, OR
Aug 21, 2019 • 67 min
Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain for soup and an affinity for Criss Angel: Family Man. You hear…
38: McDonald’s Restaurants in Billings, MT
Aug 14, 2019 • 54 min
This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it’s time for another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at…
Between You And Us: Episode 7
Aug 12, 2019 • 45 min
Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, you’ll enjoy this exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at…
37: Dollar Stores in Birmingham, AL
Aug 7, 2019 • 50 min
Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you’re having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren’t working and Christine won’t let Alex sell his Ten Renaissance Paintings. While we figure this mess out, please enjoy…
36: Banks in Charlotte, NC
Jul 31, 2019 • 60 min
Welcome to Christine’s Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life: she’s been to a bank. So enjoy our exploration of awful…
35: Souvenir Shops in Atlantic City, NJ
Jul 24, 2019 • 71 min
Alex: *loudly and desperately* “I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT” *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* “EEK!!” *clinks glass* We hope you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, because…
34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD
Jul 17, 2019 • 56 min
Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don’t worry, Christine left her teen greeters down there with the hair and stains. Needless to say, we hope you enjoy another…
33: Bars in Columbus, OH
Jul 10, 2019 • 47 min
In this week’s episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your DB Cooper Baby Monitor and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Buy…
Between You And Us: Episode 6
Jul 8, 2019 • 44 min
We’ve intercepted Bob Schieffer’s emails to bring you this very important episode. He’d probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could. But we hope the rest of you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, but ones our…
32: Sporting Goods Stores in Anchorage, AK
Jul 3, 2019 • 41 min
We’re bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. Then, Alex reads reviews written by the hardest criminals around: accidental thieves. Before we release our…
31: Breweries in Little Rock, AR
Jun 26, 2019 • 60 min
Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it’s not making anyone more sane. Hear what the drunk people of Little Rock are saying about their local breweries, then hear what the…
30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD
Jun 19, 2019 • 55 min
Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby people and then Alex proves that Southern California has the best convicts. Please enjoy another exploration…
Between You And Us: Episode 5
Jun 17, 2019 • 43 min
A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you. Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best citizen reviews! If you’d like to submit a funny review, email us at beachtoosandy@gmail.com with…
29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI
Jun 12, 2019 • 51 min
We’re back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads reviews written from the perspective of pets. I mean, who would want to miss hearing Christine channel her…
28: Tattoo Shops in Tulsa, OK
Jun 5, 2019 • 52 min
Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we’re officially putting a ban on 13-19 year olds listening to this podcast. For everyone else, please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and…
27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA
May 29, 2019 • 51 min
Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today’s episode, we’re taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter what we say in the show. After we give you the rundown of the…
26: Parks in Milwaukee, WI
May 22, 2019 • 46 min
Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it’s as crazy as you’d think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that no one needs to hear. Whether you listen to this in your home, lighthome, or waffle home, you won’t be…
25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ
May 15, 2019 • 32 min
Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we’ve got some “cool” reviews for you. We’re reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine how boring an episode like that would normally be, and try to give this one a shot anyway. We end the…
Between You And Us: Episode 4
May 13, 2019 • 30 min
Ghosts, choking, vampires… wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we’re back to reading reviews sent in by our listeners! Come join us as we dive into our…
24: Post Offices in Washington, DC
May 8, 2019 • 37 min
In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of stupidity as we explore our nation’s capital for the worst post office reviews we can find. Then,…
23: Toy Stores in Chicago, IL
May 1, 2019 • 40 min
Welcome to Geppetto’s Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has to offer, and we explore the stupidest recipe reviews on the internet! Buy our merch!…
22: Beaches in Honolulu, HI
Apr 24, 2019 • 41 min
In this week’s episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically… we’re discussing humanity this episode. We do that by reading reviews of both ABZ and LDC. No idea what those are? Listen to find out! Buy…
21: Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, PA
Apr 17, 2019 • 42 min
This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It’s time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring reviews of elementary schools, we inadvertently explore our unfortunate middle school experiences. Enjoy the…
20: Nostalgia in Los Angeles, CA
Apr 11, 2019 • 48 min
Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn’t know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close to our hearts. Hop in Guy Fieri’s convertible and take this trip down memory lane with us! Buy our merch!…
Between You And Us: Episode 3
Apr 8, 2019 • 27 min
Cover your trouser! We’re back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don’t laugh too loudly or we’ll call security… and remember, fishing is NOT a crime. If you’d like to submit a funny review,…
19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA
Apr 3, 2019 • 49 min
In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we get lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Yelp pages, but we eventually find our way… For the sake of humanity we…
18: Comedy Clubs in Hartford, CT
Mar 27, 2019 • 41 min
This week, Lisa Lampanelli graces us with her voice… and a plea to our beautiful listeners. This is followed by plenty of tallywagging from Alex and hooting from Christine. And we cap it all off with the discovery of… ANTIMONTY! No garlic fries here, just…
17: Hospitals in Boston, MA
Mar 20, 2019 • 39 min
In this week’s episode, we take on communism, mary-juana, and the feminist agenda. It’s truly an episode for the ages. But don’t worry, we bleep out the worst of it. Thankfully, the world still gets to hear about Alex’s first (and last) Hooters…
16: Hardware Stores in Nashville, TN
Mar 13, 2019 • 45 min
If you ever want to blackmail us with fake audio pulled from various sound bites, boy do we have the episode for you! We provide you with amazing quotes such as “I’m going to flip my shit and burn down this place,” and “I typed out the word ‘sex’ a lot…
Between You And Us: Episode 2
Mar 11, 2019 • 23 min
The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That’s right, we’re back and we’re engaging in civil dialogue. We’re reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spending your hard earned money on over priced cold dessert…
15: Record Stores in Indianapolis, IN
Mar 6, 2019 • 44 min
RudeJuggalo, WeedLMFAO, alxdude9, and imalwayzcrazy444. Which ones are our old AIM accounts and which are new? You have to listen to find out! This week we travel to Indianapolis to visit some of our best friends, including Air Bud, the Indiana Sniffer,…
14: Libraries in Los Angeles, CA
Feb 27, 2019 • 38 min
Hooded figures, dead bodies, and squirt machines. Or, your average Beach Too Sandy episode. If you think this episode stinks, watch out for our next collab: Corpse-be-Gucci. This episode is ideal for morgues, autopsy rooms, body bags, etc. Logo by…
13: Comic Book Shops in New York, NY
Feb 20, 2019 • 46 min
Hear ye hear ye! Green grocers and proprietors alike! We have an episode that will surely challenge your views and give you a bad case of the sweats. Gather yourself below one of the Brooklyn Bridges, open up to page 1 of Christine’s Teen Zine, and pour…
12: Liquor Stores in Louisville, KY
Feb 13, 2019 • 33 min
In this week’s episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it’s not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and please enjoy this episode responsibly. Buy our merch!…
Between You And Us: Episode 1
Feb 11, 2019 • 16 min
In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will learn so much from this episode, but you won’t want to remember any of…
11: Strip Clubs in Las Vegas, NV
Feb 6, 2019 • 33 min
WARNING! Do not let your ladies listen to this show. We will steal them from you. In episode 11 we go back to our roots: Vegas strip clubs. More specifically, the Chippendales show which helped launch the idea for this podcast. Now’s your chance to hear a…
10: Museums in Boise, ID
Jan 30, 2019 • 41 min
Welcome to episode 10 of the podcast where a couple of poorly dressed jobsworths read awful reviews. This very special episode is full of big announcements and big egos. We even answer the age old question: Which has more museums, Boise or New York City?…
9: Waffle Houses in Atlanta, GA
Jan 23, 2019 • 28 min
What’s the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week’s reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you’re going to, be sure to watch out for pink eye! “SIGNED ALEX AND CHRISTINE!” Buy our merch!…
8: Dentists in Denver, CO
Jan 16, 2019 • 36 min
Psst… yeah you… ever heard of… Presbyterianism? Then do we have the episode for you. We explore Denver for the worst reviews of dentists. Then we spread the good word of Ouija board reviewers. Take a break from your job as a bad teeth model and enjoy the…
7: Bridal Shops in Houston, TX
Jan 9, 2019 • 24 min
Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get “unsettling.” Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston…and their dolls. Meanwhile, Alex introduces a couple toy-loving adults and expresses his own desire for a talking bird…
6: Pet Stores in Salt Lake City, UT
Jan 2, 2019 • 31 min
Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi erotic fiction…kindle edition. Tune in for bad snake advice,…
5: Hair Salons in Ann Arbor, MI
Dec 26, 2018 • 16 min
Join us this week as we head to Ann Arbor to hear what people think of their local hair salons. Please enjoy, but watch out for the dead body out back. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet —- This episode is…
4: Tech Stores in Jacksonville, FL
Dec 19, 2018 • 20 min
Wuz up! In episode 4 we explore the world of tech stores in Jacksonville, FL. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. —- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The…
3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN
Dec 12, 2018 • 19 min
It’s episode three, y’all! Tune in for some…interesting…reviews of car washes in Minneapolis, MN. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. —- This episode is sponsored…
1: Grocery Stores in Cincinnati, OH
Dec 12, 2018 • 18 min
Welcome to the first official episode of BTSWTW, featuring 1-star reviews of grocery stores in Cincinnati, OH. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. —- This…
2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO
Dec 12, 2018 • 22 min
Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. —- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor:…
TRAILER
Dec 7, 2018 • 0 min
Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet features dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by people who just need to…