You Can't Do That

You Can't Do That
A Hockey Podcast

#63: Shenanigannery
Nov 27 • 57 min
This week Catie, Eva, and Rave go long on spit, spite, palpable relief, and a magnificent dreamboat who is enormous in stature AND in heart. Due to timing and illness, they go short on, um…everything else. Yee-haw!
#62: Ev-kevin/Kev-geny
Nov 20 • 64 min
D*n Ch*rry is OUTTA HERE! Eva, Catie, and Rave truly love to see it. Other topics for discussion include teal lampshades, a girlfriend-shaped dreamboat, bad and/or absent coaches, Senior Dogs, and Catie’s first hatty!
#61: Hot Dumb Hockey University
Nov 13 • 71 min
Catie, Eva, and Kelly spend a big ol’ chunk of time on this week’s special segment, but once you hear its premise, we think you’ll understand why. Plus, a nice thing about the Bruins and a loooong overdue tribute to an #inspirational dreamboat.
#60: John Carlson Cannot Twerk.
Nov 6 • 67 min
Don’t let the title scare you! This episode is actually full of stuff that Kelly, Eva, Catie, and Rave like a whole lot, including (but not limited to) reality television, departing Capitals beat reporter Isabelle Khurshudyan, and winning hockey games.
#59: The Snickscourse
Oct 30 • 93 min
A curséd photo and a hockey with ties to Vacationland bring Rave, Catie, Eva, and Kelly together. A mini candy bar threatens to tear them apart. Plus: Apologies, animal familiars, and eboy center-parts.
#58: TLV (Tender Loving Vengeance)
Oct 23 • 66 min
Between getting caught off guard by a dreamliner of a man and seeing “the Jupiter Ascending of hockey games” in the flesh, the coven had some not-that-chill experiences this week! Time to recap them. And also lightly mock conspiracy theories.
#57: Welcome Meat
Oct 17 • 74 min
This episode is all about JOURNALISM. We’ve got front-lines reporting from two games, an exercise in satirical headlining, and hot takes on a new NHL captain (and our new dog, Captain). It’s a mud mask for the brain, this one.
#56: Abs All The Way Down
Oct 9 • 56 min
Season 3 of YCDT! It begins!! Expect talk of corn husk hair, spooky sticks, and a familiar beloved Dreamboat, plus a robust analysis of NHL teams’ BDE (no, not that kind). We’re back and weirder than ever, folks.
#55: A Very Dope Cocoon
Sep 11 • 51 min
The end of summer is a wistful time. What better way to commemorate it than by luxuriating in the reflective yearning of this year’s Burning Man Missed Connections? Plus: a bigger egg than before, Braden Holtby Builds A Deck, and a buncha bad Mitch Marner…
#54: Spiritual Veneers
Aug 7 • 59 min
There are so many good big boys in hockey for us to love. This episode is not about them. For our second Summer Special, we feast on the souls of our enemies - both real and imagined.
Bonus: A Bull Named Captain Obvious (feat. Jason Rogers)
Jul 19 • 35 min
Rave makes Catie and pod buddy Jason Rogers play the worst game of all time - again - in this, our first Summer Special of 2019. You may THINK you know which lewd descriptions were written by hockey reporters and which were written by farmers selling…
#53: YCDT’s Senior Hockeys Sanctuary (Listener Questions 2019)
Jul 3 • 43 min
We’re wrapping up Season 2 of YCDT with another all-listener-questions ep! Which movie needs to be remade with hockeys? How would Gritty spend a day with the Stanley Cup? Why does the pod “hate” water signs? And most importantly, what does Producer…
#52: A Pleasant Fiction
Jun 26 • 65 min
This was gonna be an episode devoted to listener questions but then Nicke dad-winked on Twitter and the Preds traded PK so your hosts felt a that news debrief was needed. (Also, Rave’s internet kept cutting out as we recorded this, and she handled it…
#51: Alexa, Play Pitbull
Jun 19 • 72 min
Cheers to the St. Louis Blues, to trades that don’t make us wanna die, to chaos energy, and - most importantly - to the complex web of planetary energy that guides and influences every NHL team. And ventriloquist dummies! Them, too.
#50: Projected Misery
Jun 12 • 76 min
Between the Holtbys at Pride and a possible sockeye mascot in Seattle, Rave, Catie, Kelly, and Eva don’t have a ton of energy left for, say, either of the teams competing in the Stanley Cup Final. They did save some for a certain Edmonton center’s…
#49: Spooking A Hunk
Jun 5 • 73 min
As aspiring hockeys are put through the ringer, the coven contemplates which tasks could better measure their mettle. Along the way: sighing at the Stanley Cup Final, laughing at ECHL trophy drama, and following up re: our Alabama Baby Thot.
#48: Oh, And Your Kids Are Ugly
May 22 • 75 min
So did the Sharks, like…try? And do we care?? Kelly, Rave, and Eva gather to discuss effort vs. narrative compatibility, plus tricky insults, draft class character, teen movies, and more.
#47: This Episode Is Not Called “Sex Cousins”
May 15 • 64 min
We’re in the conference finals now, baby, and your coven has some OPINIONS about the remaining teams. In the words of Maury Povich to his hyped-up audience: Whose side are you on, anyway??
#46: Powerwashed
May 8 • 81 min
Round Two keeps on keepin’ on, huh? We’ve got a powerwasher nozzle in one hand and a Bud Lite Lime in the other and we’re ready to party about it.
#45: Loose Noodles
May 1 • 66 min
Is this episode full of sadness because the Capitals got eliminated from the 2019 playoffs? Only a little bit! Your hosts temper their disappointment with talk of ethics, newly adopted sons, and animal husbandry.
#44: The Ferda Metric
Apr 24 • 66 min
Round One of the playoffs continues apace. Sweeps! GWGs! Homecomings! Respectful farewells (promise)!! Plus, we submit for your judgment and approval two distinct flavors of hockey talent show. Tasty.
#43: Mea Hornimus Culpa
Apr 17 • 83 min
This podcast gives off a strong “late-night game of F***, Marry, Kill on the bus ride home from regionals” energy all the time, we know. But in this episode, we make it literal. Plus: PLaYoFfs ChAoS BeGiNs~
#42: Alabama Baby Thot
Apr 10 • 80 min
We’ve got some playoffs anxieties to work through! Thankfully Miss Eva has prepared a rigorous program of children’s stories and hyper-specific drags to distract and prepare us.
#41: Cat Law and Sunfish
Apr 3 • 83 min
What a week: Ovi scored his 50th (and 51st lol), Eva and Catie drank curséd frosé at a Preds game, we remembered that Nolan Patrick stole his mom’s credit card, and our Tampa Bay Lightning irritation somehow got even itchier.
YCDT Is Now On Patreon!
Mar 27 • 2 min
After a year of shenanigans, we’ve decided to take this lil pod to the next level.
#40: Nobody Asked, Jeff.
Mar 27 • 65 min
Welcome to Aries season! Our assertive energy is gonna infect you just like the Capitals’ norovirus. On today’s docket: Kuzy vs. Cherry, food carts, extended-fam dynamics, and so much more.
#39: Evgeni Malkin’s Borscht Palace and Sushi Bar
Mar 20 • 63 min
This podcast does not endorse St. Patrick’s Day but this podcast DOES endorse the plotting of hockey players on a Venn diagram of “horny,” “feral,” and “tender.” Anyway, remember Vine?!
#38: White Wine On An ATV
Mar 13 • 63 min
We peered through our binoculars and spotted the Stanley Cup in the distance, beginning its annual pilgrimage toward us. Thank god we’ve got Jay Beagle’s flip phone handy in case of emergency. Also: Girl Talk, broken noses, and prom themes.
#37: Overrate This A$$
Mar 6 • 76 min
Slather on a mud mask in honor of Kevin Fiala’s time with the Preds because we’ve got a LOT to discuss, including worthwhile enemies, questionable performance evaluations, “dreamboat” semantics, and party quirks. See you in MN, FiFi.
#36: The Dirtbag Triad
Feb 27 • 71 min
Your producers went to a Stars/Blackhawks game for some reason and left your hosts alone to record this episode, but no big deal!! It wasn’t like anything happened with the trade deadline or anything, haha. Hahahah. Ugh.
#35: Brittle Twizzler
Feb 21 • 68 min
We’re a day late and an Eva short with this episode, which is now a relic of that brief moment when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt and the Caps hadn’t yet put Devante Smith-Pelly on waivers. Let’s reminisce!
#34: All By Myself Dot MP3
Feb 13 • 85 min
Valentine’s Day is silly but this week’s discussions of anti-capitalist hero Evgeny Kuznetsov and ultimate dreamboat Hilary Knight are…also kinda silly, if we’re honest.
#33: Is THIS A Handsome Man??
Feb 6 • 63 min
This episode is about two things: Hotness and astrology. No kidding. Grab your hoggles, it’s all sun-sign matchmaking and fierce debate about Brent Burns from here on in.
#32: @NotAPenguin78
Jan 30 • 62 min
When the All Star Game is a big shrug emoji and the Caps keep not winning, the only thing to do is imagine hockeys performing Disney songs with wholehearted enthusiasm. Let’s get down to business.
#31: The Desert of Whoms
Jan 23 • 88 min
After a string of silly losses, Eva leads Catie, Kelly, and Rave in an exploration of the depths of their hearts and their charity baskets.
#30: Sympathy For The Overdog
Jan 16 • 78 min
The coven asks and answers some pressing Qs this week: What’s up with Sergei Bobrovsky? What’s up with the lack of Virgo defensemen in the league? And what is UP with the entire concept of “offsides”??
#29: Jumbo Jamie
Jan 9 • 68 min
Catie, Eva, and Rave groan about boring disappointments like the All-Star Game team rosters, welcome back “Jamie Benn” to discuss his public shaming, and confess their newfound love for [redacted]. Love yourself, girl!
#28: Kids And Their Devices
Dec 26, 2018 • 61 min
Hard to tell what’s messier, the most recent Caps/Pens game or the NHL teams’ fictional holiday gatherings to which your hosts have unceremoniously invited themselves this week. Also: Paul Kariya, Flyers in the parking garage, and donut discourse.
#27: A Hard Left Back to Chaos Town
Dec 19, 2018 • 88 min
This episode’s got a lot going for it, including a timely pulse check on the non-Capitals teams we’ve chosen (or been forced) to love and a hefty dose of real earnestness. [Also, a content warning: There’s some frank talk about mental health, including…
#26: Andre Burakovsky’s Growth Mindset Affirmation of the Week
Dec 12, 2018 • 62 min
Are Hallmark holiday movies an easy target for #jokes? Sure. Are we too good to dip from that well? Never ever. In addition: the hitting rubric, a Tinder full of Canucks, and something adjacent to “Gone Girl”-ing.
#25: Arena Mood Lighting
Dec 5, 2018 • 89 min
Catie has prepared a fresh batch of Tom Wilson Is The Greatest Hockey Player Of All Time juice and it’s time to take a f***in’ sip, babes. Other topics: haunted doll William Nylander, ideal goal songs, and a Dreamboat with flow.
#24: How To Neg A Man
Nov 21, 2018 • 71 min
Turn on the time machine! Professor Kelly is ready to whisk us back to the ’80s for a #defection bedtime story. Also: trades, tests, and Thanksgiving dinner guests. (By the way, listeners: We’re thankful for you. xoxo.)
#23: Capital L “Like” Capital T “That”
Nov 14, 2018 • 69 min
Do you revel in the suffering of your enemies, or are you the type to pretend your enemies don’t even exist? Doesn’t matter. This podcast endorses both.
#22: Severe Magician Face
Nov 8, 2018 • 74 min
Every part of this episode is inappropriate, up to and including the round of “Hockey or Livestock-y?” that we finally forced Eva and Kelly to play. Desperate times call for extra weird silliness, we don’t make the rules.
#21: Normcore Passing
Oct 31, 2018 • 71 min
While Rave is away, your remaining Halloween hosts explore the tenderness of axe-throwing and the sturdiness of a certain 6’5” Minnesotan. Plus: Eva recounts her first visit to Grittyville. BOO!!
#20: Someone’s Canuck-in’ At Your Door
Oct 24, 2018 • 79 min
Check out our spooky YA fantasy world! It’s filled with the sultry sounds of Akon’s “Smack That” and loads of scared hockey goalies. Oilers overachiever Connor McDavid is already here and he says it’s very nice.
#19: Halloween? Or Niche Torture??
Oct 17, 2018 • 71 min
This episode contains a serious discussion of the ethics of violence in hockey. It also contains some erotíque imagines about hockey players wearing patently ridiculous Halloween costumes - you know, for balance.
#18: D***y Desensitization
Oct 10, 2018 • 67 min
Hockey’s back and so are Rave, Catie, Eva, and Kelly! This week: Irrational pissitude, the most horrible word, the psychology of dick-hitting, and more. Welcome home to our weirdness yurt.
#17: Listener Questions!
Oct 3, 2018 • 55 min
The final Summer Special of 2018 - yes, we know what month it is - comes from you, dear listeners. We’ve hand-picked some of your tastiest queries to answer, and we promise only two of them are about the NHL’s horrifying/wonderful new mascot.
#16: The Ballad of Nicke & Ovi
Aug 24, 2018 • 90 min
In the second YCDT Summer Special, your hosts follow through on their threat to talk about [redacted] and [redacted]. It’s…[redacted].
#15: A Goat Named War Games (feat. Jason Rogers)
Jul 27, 2018 • 62 min
In our first Summer Special, we welcome to the pod Actual NHL Reporter Jason Rogers for talk of career paths, big chains, and - sorry sorry soRRY - animal semen. Sorry!!
#14: Weekend At Backy’s
Jun 15, 2018 • 85 min
The Drunkington Sloppitals won the Stanley Cup and first of all, you’re welcome. Rave, Catie, Kelly, and Eva celebrate the win and the celebration itself in the Season 1 finale of YCDT.
#13: Hashtag Feminine Features
Jun 7, 2018 • 91 min
We’re on the cusp of [superstitious mumbling], so let’s distract ourselves! Topics for discussion: confusing feelings, good hair, “The Bachelorette”-style pick-‘ems, a ROBBERY??, and - at long last - One Direction.
#12: Soft Filters and Star Wipes
Jun 2, 2018 • 62 min
This episode is like if we changed all the lyrics of Dua Lipa’s “New Rules” to be about the NHL. Plus: Catie’s DC welcome, Sidney Crosby’s sock puppet accounts, and love songs for Mikes Green and Latta.
#11: Fizzing Like A Rocket Pop
May 25, 2018 • 56 min
To commemorate the occasion of the Washington Capitals reaching the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 20 years, pod producers Laura and Danielle swoop in to ask some clarifying questions.
#10: Thanks, Zodiac Hockey Dot Com
May 23, 2018 • 87 min
With Catie away, the remaining mystical coven members seek pre-Game 6 guidance and reassurance from - where else? - the tarot deck. Plus: Some compliments for Tampa Bay.
#09: F Is For “Family of Werewolves”
May 16, 2018 • 90 min
This week your hockey coven moms balance the enormity of their emotions about the Caps’ playoffs performance so far with some normal mom-approved chitchat about, like, books and recipes and stuff?
#08: Playing For Love (And Spite)
May 9, 2018 • 87 min
Step into the YCDT time machine for a look back at life before the Washington Capitals officially advanced to the 2018 Stanley Cup conference finals.
#07: Chess on a Hockey Plane
May 2, 2018 • 72 min
Professor Kelly’s class is in session! Today’s topics: Totalitarian regimes, hints of the supernatural, and Rave’s dispatches from inside the bowels of Caps/Pens Game 2.
#06: Appreciate Our Daughter!!
Apr 25, 2018 • 85 min
Eva tries to restore balance to a negative world by wringing sincere compliments out of Kelly, Catie, and Rave about the teams they hate. Plus: Complicated viral-video reactions and a mean-eyed dreamboat.
#05: Enthusiastic Licking Consent
Apr 18, 2018 • 64 min
The wrong people are jousting, Brad Marchand is out here licking dudes, and we can barely tell the difference between professional sports commentary and descriptions of adult films. It’s the 2018 Stanley Cup playoffs.
Bonus: Hockey Chirps Hall of Fame
Apr 13, 2018 • 11 min
Catie hosts a tour through some of the most patently ridiculous hockey player “insults” in memory.
#04: Golf. Space. My Dog.
Apr 4, 2018 • 80 min
Welcome to the dank interior of the re-used struggle bus, where your hosts have gathered (in person!) to examine topics as dumb as the Stanley Cup playoffs and as crucially relevant as socks and eggs.
Bonus: Hockey Coven As
Mar 30, 2018 • 34 min
In a purely self-indulgent exercise, the girls discuss which Caps players they spiritually resemble and which positions they’d play - and for which teams - if they were actually players themselves.
#03: No Ethical Consumption Under Late-Stage NHL
Mar 21, 2018 • 76 min
As we all know, hockey is made up of a select few cats and extremely a lot of dogs. But which of them are worthy of this season’s Hart Trophy? And which are Dreamboats, but like, the dumpster kind? Let’s find out together!
Bonus: A Little ‘Stitious
Mar 16, 2018 • 14 min
Eva leads a discussion about the superstitions that shape hockey players’ routines, from stick drawings to octopus sacrifices and everything in between. Plus, an update on our pal Diane.
#02: Schrödinger’s Dick
Mar 7, 2018 • 96 min
The girls are riding high after a shockingly enjoyable Caps win as they talk trade deadline dreams/drama, thirst traps vs. heart traps, and tips for a first-time hockey game attendee. Plus, unlikely animal friends!
Bonus: Pitch Hockey 2 Me
Mar 2, 2018 • 12 min
Rave has piles of money. Catie, Kelly, and Eva have a fun and/or miserable proposal for what to do with it.
#01: Upsies For Fifi!
Feb 23, 2018 • 60 min
Gather ‘round for talk of Olympian attitudes, personal shopping, and the difference between “good” and “bad” fights. Plus, our inaugural nominees for Dreamboat of the Week. It’s hockey for everyone!!
Official Trailer
Feb 21, 2018 • 1 min
Four enthusiastically self-righteous idiots, one beautiful mess of a sport.