Tall Tales & Shaggy Dogs: Stories and short humor by Abner Serd

Tall Tales & Shaggy Dogs: Stories and short humor by Abner Serd

www.abnerserd.com
From the ingenious to the absurd …
245: Picking daisies on the moon
Dec 6, 2016 • 1 min
Hi folks! This is our final episode before taking an extended leave of absence. Thank you for listening! We will be back with more poems, songs, and short humor at a later date. In the meantime, we hope you enjoy this bit of nonsense verse set to music:…
244: The scenic route across the ocean
Nov 30, 2016 • 6 min
I was hanging around down by the waterfront the other day … keeping an eye on the harbor seals. Sometimes they leak, you know …
243: Scenes from under the dome
Nov 23, 2016 • 0 min
Here is another short poem for the kids: It’s summer inside of my snow globe …
242: Biscuits and gravy and the end of the world
Nov 16, 2016 • 6 min
It started out as a biscuits and gravy kind of a morning down at Elmer’s Cafe …
241: Eyes in the forest
Nov 8, 2016 • 1 min
This week’s episode is an ever so slightly spooky song about an old growth forest, a crooked beak, and a pair of yellow eyes …
240: An autumn trip to the old oak grove
Nov 2, 2016 • 3 min
Here is a poem for the younger folks: Have you ever been to the old oak grove, When the autumn leaves are turning red? …
239: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the Wishy-Warsher(™)
Oct 26, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Jimy Fingerbutton once invented a new kind of dishwarsher. At least, I thought it was a dishwarsher. It looked just like an old-fashoned dishwarsher …
238: Summer, winter, spring, and fall
Oct 19, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s a little ditty about how we make the seasons, and why sometimes they get just a tiny bit mixed up …
237: The birch bark canoe
Oct 12, 2016 • 3 min
You know the seasons are turning when you wake up with frost in your beard …
236: Barnabas Tunukai Pepper McBluvin
Oct 5, 2016 • 0 min
This bit of nonsense verse is inspired by the Maori hangi - a traditional method of cooking which is still very popular in New Zealand and elsewhere …
235: Why you never see xyloferns anymore
Sep 28, 2016 • 4 min
Every day I find something new out here on Wild Side. Something I’ve never seen before. Something that makes me say to myself, “slow down! Stop being so observant! You don’t want to be one of those folks that goes around saying ‘now I’ve seen everything,’…
234: The apple song
Sep 21, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s a little song about apple season: I planted an apple in the springtime / I wanted an apple tree to grow …
233: The tale of Abner and the bathtub
Sep 14, 2016 • 6 min
I was poking around out on Wild Side the other day, keeping an eye out for blue shade trees …
232: The tale of Leewana and the magic kite
Sep 7, 2016 • 5 min
This may be my best poem yet: “Far away, out beyond the Great Desert of Proom, Where the wind sweeps across the sharp sand like a broom …”
231: The quiet bunny people folk
Aug 31, 2016 • 4 min
I once met an old-timer who lives out beyond the Wandering Hills, out there in the shadow of Gusty Ridge. The old-timer’s name is Dale Hill. Dale broke his jaw 30 years ago and it never did set right, so now he talks with a limp …
230: The county fair song
Aug 24, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s a little ditty in honor of county fair season …
229: The tale of Abner and the slow-moving summer day
Aug 17, 2016 • 5 min
This morning I was in the second-hand store, looking at all the second hands … when a lady said to me, she said “beautiful day, isn’t it?” I said “yes ma’am. What we have here is a genuine, slow-moving summer day!” …
228: The World Championships of Everything!
Aug 10, 2016 • 3 min
Good morning everybody, this is Bill Melater, coming to you live from the beautiful city of Upper Case – Capitol of the Kingdom of Wonderstan and this year’s home of the World Championships of Everything! …
227: Bill O’Sale and the rise of climatic realism
Aug 3, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Bill O’Sale just opened a new retail store down at the corner of High Street and Low Road. I asked him what he’s selling this time. He said “raincoats …”
226: The May bee song
Jul 27, 2016 • 1 min
The May bees were buzzing in April / The May bees are heard in July / The May bees will buzz in December / Imagine the things we could try! …
225: Adventures in berry-picking
Jul 20, 2016 • 6 min
The other day down at Elmer’s Cafe, a bunch of us regulars were bragging about our most dangerous escapades and feats of derring-do …
224: Jessica learns how to be in two places at once
Jul 13, 2016 • 6 min
It was summer vacation, and Jessica wanted to be in two places at once …
223: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the Perpetual Motion Machine
Jul 6, 2016 • 11 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a perpetual motion machine. I was the first person he showed it to. I guess he figured I had the right qualifications, on account of I passed high school physics on the first try and I’m pretty good at keeping a…
222: The ballad of Jeremiah Crumping
Jun 29, 2016 • 3 min
In Upper Tidwell lived a boy Named Jeremiah Crumping / Who couldn’t stand for very long without commencing jumping …
221: The aboutness of nothing
Jun 22, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Stretch claims to know more about nothing than anybody else on the planet. He said “believe me, there’s a lot more to it than most people realize …”
220: Faraway places (or, What’s it like in Lower Shmorgestan?)
Jun 15, 2016 • 4 min
Marco always dreamed about traveling to faraway places. All his life, he had never been anywhere – unless you counted his grandmother’s house, which was so far away you had to pack a lunch for the journey …
219: Something about a misty morning …
Jun 8, 2016 • 4 min
By the way, Vern swears there are no dragons in this story …
218: What’s your garden guarding?
Jun 1, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s a little song in honor of the Springtime planting season …
217: Gee Cliff (or, The road to Gumption, concluded)
Apr 27, 2016 • 10 min
Well, I’ll say one thing about the Gumption Track: it’s well-marked. The roadies did not skimp on signage, even though it seems like they never actually got around to building the road itself …
216: Send in the bees
Apr 20, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s another little song for the kids: when you think about it, bees are just Nature’s miniature flying alarum clocks …
215: The blue moon special
Apr 13, 2016 • 8 min
There were two new faces down at Elmer’s Cafe the other day. I walked in the door, saw this young couple sitting on the six and seven stools, talking to each other while Elmer stood around looking exasperated. I said “hot dang! I’ll have the Blue Moon…
214: The greatest philosophers of all time
Apr 6, 2016 • 5 min
Theophilus Papadopoulos had to write an essay for school. It was supposed to be about a famous philosopher, and it couldn’t be about anybody he knew …
213: Whutta Butte (or, The road to Gumption, part three)
Mar 30, 2016 • 5 min
Well, the rain never let up, from dawn till dusk … although, in all fairness, I don’t know if you could even call it a dawn, seeing as how nobody remembered to light the sky …
212: Joe Mann, the self-rolling snowman
Mar 23, 2016 • 1 min
Here’s a little song about a snowman who rolled into town at the tail end of Winter …
211: No shortcut to Glory
Mar 16, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were hiking down the Yonder Track on our way to Glory not too long ago. You know Glory – the legendary city where all your dreams come true, and where even ordinary pronouns are elevated to the exalted level of proper noun ……
210: The penny on the sidewalk
Mar 9, 2016 • 6 min
Sue Spender was on her way to school one morning when she found a penny lying heads-down on the sidewalk. She wondered how it got there. Could it have fallen out of someone’s pocket? Would they miss it? …
209: Gumption, part two
Mar 1, 2016 • 6 min
As far as I’m concerned, Gumption is the kind of place where the only reason to go there is to say you’ve been there …
208: How the world works
Feb 24, 2016 • 6 min
Young Brian was always asking questions. He wanted to know how the world worked. He wanted to know why it worked. He wanted to know when it worked, and when it played. Because, you know, NOBODY works ALL the time …
207: Gumption
Feb 17, 2016 • 8 min
I caught up with my friend Stretch the other day. He was headed north out of town, along the Coastal Road. I said “hey, Stretch. Where are you going?” He said “Gumption …”
206: Reflections on a snowflake
Feb 10, 2016 • 1 min
Another song for the kids: Imagine if you could see yourself in a snowflake! …
205: The education of Vern Acular
Feb 3, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Vern Acular is a self-taught illuminato of the natural world. He rarely comes into town anymore. Instead, he’s always out roaming the Wild Side, poking his curiosity into every copse and coulee from here to Fargone …
204: Jessica brings back the summer
Jan 27, 2016 • 4 min
Jessica worried that someday, somebody might catch her using magic. That would be disastrous! They wouldn’t understand that she only used her powers to do good things. They probably wouldn’t believe her when she told them Winter wasn’t her fault …
203: Playing piñata with the clouds
Jan 20, 2016 • 4 min
I found my friend Vern Acular standing at the top of Down Hill with a very long stick in his hands. He looked like he was about to play piñata with the clouds …
202a: The refrigerator song (duet)
Jan 13, 2016 • 1 min
Bonus track! Come on, everybody, sing along! …
202: The refrigerator song
Jan 13, 2016 • 1 min
Something’s in the ‘fridgerator, rotten eggs! …
201: This winter, beware of icequitoes
Jan 6, 2016 • 5 min
My friend Bugsy Diptera and I were tramping around out near Wunsa Pond the other day …
200: Where the sidewalk is
Dec 11, 2015 • 5 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were hiking through the Great Empty Desert when we stomped unexpectedly on a sidewalk …
199: Abner’s farewell party
Dec 10, 2015 • 4 min
I didn’t really expect a farewell party when I walked into Elmer’s Cafe …
198: Odds & ends redux
Dec 9, 2015 • 1 min
Several short, unrelated poems are (loosely) tied together by a short song …
197: Retractable statements
Dec 8, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Rita Book recently started working on a new lexical engineering project. Most of her projects are designed for print media, but I heard this one had something to do with things you say out loud …
196: Stretch is living on borrowed time
Dec 7, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch likes to tell everybody he’s living on borrowed time. I said “really? Whose time did you borrow?” …
195: Mathematics explains everything
Dec 4, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Archie Meade claims you have to know how to do calculus in order to catch a ball in mid-air …
194: The guy in charge of winter
Dec 3, 2015 • 2 min
The guy in charge of winter was up there kicking the clouds again - shaking loose as many snowflakes as he thought he could get away with …
193: Pen pals
Dec 2, 2015 • 4 min
Rose Bush had three pen pals: one black, one blue, and one red …
192: The oldest trick in the book
Dec 1, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stanley Oliver Terrick is a student of obscure mischievous activity …
191: Evelyn Devlin and the best part of falling in love
Nov 30, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Evelyn Devlin is a bit of a romantic. Most poets are, I suppose …
190: I’m so hungry, I could eat a house
Nov 27, 2015 • 3 min
Vern Acular and I were lolling around in a clearing in the woods, trying to scoop together enough motivation to pack up our things and get moving …
189: Thanksgiving at Elmer’s
Nov 26, 2015 • 3 min
Nobody ever says grace at Elmer’s Cafe …
188: The opposite of a tree
Nov 25, 2015 • 1 min
Here’s another little children’s song. It’s about trees shedding their leaves while we humans bundle ourselves up …
187: Anne Thespy and the amphitheater
Nov 24, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Anne Thespy is building a theater down on the coast. It’s an amphitheater: half of it is underwater, and the other half is on dry land …
186: Bill O’Sale and the power suit
Nov 23, 2015 • 2 min
I caught sight of my friend Bill O’Sale the other day, but only just barely. He was all fancied up in a pinstripe suit, and he was power-walking down Bridge Street …
185: Flora’s early days
Nov 20, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is a Junior Vice President of Marketing Ploys. I don’t know where she’s working now. She moves around a lot …
184: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the universal compass
Nov 19, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a universal compass. I said “great! Which way is north?” He said “if you’re referring to the North Pole, I have no idea” …
183: The tale of young Alice and the porridge
Nov 18, 2015 • 3 min
When Alice was very young, she had only one ambition. There was only one thing that Alice wanted to do more than anything else in the world, and that was to break the moon …
182: The mean streets (a soft-boiled detective story)
Nov 17, 2015 • 3 min
There are 57 dead-end streets in this burg. And more roads to nowhere than an honest man can count …
181: Stretch and the electric sand castle
Nov 16, 2015 • 2 min
I was out on Bottle Neck the other day. The tide was low, but the rain kept pounding down in endless layers, like sopping wet blankets …
180: Clara Boyd doesn’t believe in luck
Nov 13, 2015 • 2 min
When the universe is out to get you, what does luck have to do with it? …
179: Rita Book and the portable original colloquial phrase generator
Nov 12, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rita Book is a lexical engineer. She helps create new technologies designed to make reading and writing easier - or, at least, that’s what it says on the brochure …
178: Let fall begin!
Nov 11, 2015 • 0 min
This one is a children’s song about autumn …
177: The Babbling Brook’s tale
Nov 10, 2015 • 3 min
Last night I camped out on the banks of Babbling Brook. Boy, did I get an earful! …
176: Vern turns over a new leaf
Nov 9, 2015 • 2 min
I was helping my friend Vern Acular sort leaves the other day. Vern thinks it’s important that all fallen leaves are kept in separate piles according to the tree from which they came …
175: A hero in crisis
Nov 6, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Alfred O. Mega is a genuine, certified hero. It says so right on his diploma …
174: A faraway place called Academia
Nov 5, 2015 • 2 min
I once visited a faraway place called Academia. You may or may not have been there. It’s a curious land with rather odd local customs …
173: Ana Gram and Tina Dicory
Nov 4, 2015 • 3 min
Ana Gram couldn’t understand what was so important about spelling. She knew that letters were important. She knew that letters were used to make drows, and drows were used to make nestences, and nestences were used to make hargapraps …
172: Bill O’Sale and the magic flying carpet cleaner
Nov 3, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Bill O’Sale owns the world’s tallest outdoor, coin-operated vacuum cleaner …
171: Stretch becomes a role model
Nov 2, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Stretch likes to think of himself as a role model. I said “why, because you get stale after a while?” …
170: Ghost stories
Oct 30, 2015 • 2 min
A bunch of us were sitting around Elmer’s Cafe the other day, telling ghost stories …
169: Archie Meade and the exciting, ever-changing world of mathematics
Oct 29, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Archie Meade was telling me about all the latest developments in the exciting and ever-changing world of mathematics. I don’t mind saying, I thought I knew my one-two-threes …
168: Bus monster’s holiday
Oct 28, 2015 • 1 min
Here’s a little Halloween song for the kids …
167: Barn dance
Oct 27, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Buford Colic is hosting a barn dance this weekend. I’m afraid to go, for obvious reasons. I mean, have you ever seen a barn doing the hokey-pokey? …
166: Carbon footprints
Oct 26, 2015 • 2 min
Some guy asked me about the size of my carbon footprint. I told him it’s exactly the same size as my regular footprint …
165: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the Automatic Attic(™)
Oct 23, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented an Automatic Attic(™). Just plug it in, turn it on, and it fills any room with a musty odor …
164: A long way from Glory
Oct 22, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were headed for Glory. It wasn’t the first time we’d set out in that direction. For some reason, Glory always seems to be just a mite farther away than we thought it was …
163: The tale of young Victor and the dragon
Oct 21, 2015 • 3 min
Victor never thought it would be easy. After all, full-grown dragons are as big as a windmill, and tougher than a stone wall …
162: The apple cider doughnuts at Elmer’s Cafe
Oct 20, 2015 • 5 min
I was three blocks away from Elmer’s Cafe when I caught the first waft of spice in the air …
161: The first frost
Oct 19, 2015 • 3 min
I know a guy who can tell you whether it’s summer or fall just by looking at a calendar. That never worked for me …
160: The Whist
Oct 16, 2015 • 2 min
That was the Year of the Whist - or, as some folks called it, the Great Dream Shortage …
159: Abstract concrete
Oct 15, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is Junior Vice President of Marketing Ploys at a company that sells abstracts …
158: Odds & ends (assorted poems and songs)
Oct 14, 2015 • 1 min
This episode lumps together four short poems and a song fragment. As if Russell the Rooster needed a warmup act …
157: Albie Durned, private investigator
Oct 13, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Albie Durned is a private investigator. You may have heard of some of his more famous cases …
156: Buddy’s pet peeves
Oct 12, 2015 • 2 min
I was visiting my friend Buddy the other day. Buddy is the kind of host who hates to see a guest empty-handed, so he kept on constantly running into the kitchen …
155: The catawampus
Oct 9, 2015 • 3 min
Vern Acular and I were wandering through the Wandering Hills the other day. We were looking for square inch worms …
154: Catching Stretch
Oct 8, 2015 • 2 min
I tried to catch my friend Stretch in a lie the other day …
153: A hare-raising tale
Oct 7, 2015 • 1 min
Another song for the kids: We used to keep a pair of rabbits, with their mild-mannered habits, in a hutch …
152: A very special party
Oct 6, 2015 • 2 min
I’m going to a party later today. Parties aren’t really my thing, but this one is a special one …
151: Olive Branch, conflict resolution specialist
Oct 5, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Olive Branch is a conflict resolution specialist. When a client schedules two meetings at the same time, it’s Olive’s job to evaluate the conflict and to negotiate an acceptable solution …
150: Hot potato
Oct 2, 2015 • 2 min
The line in front of Bill O’Sale’s latest retail establishment stretched around the block …
149: So there I was …
Oct 1, 2015 • 2 min
So there I was … NINE days away from the nearest road … TWELVE days away from the nearest crossroads … EIGHTEEN days from the nearest town, and me without a raincoat …
148: Jessica learns to fly
Sep 30, 2015 • 4 min
Jessica wanted to learn to fly. Of all the magical powers in all the world, she thought flying would be the funnest …
147: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the Anti-Disagreeability Phones(™)
Sep 29, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of headphones …
146: Rest in peace, Summer
Sep 28, 2015 • 3 min
Summer is … WAS … a positive role model for us all …
145: Autumn tales
Sep 25, 2015 • 2 min
That’s the last time I go camping during leaf peeper season …
144: Rosetta Stone, global translator
Sep 24, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rosetta Stone is a translator of global communications - and when I say global, I don’t mean communications from AROUND the world; I mean communications FROM the world …
143: The bird on the lawn
Sep 23, 2015 • 1 min
Another song for the kids: The bird on the lawn’s been there since dawn, I think he’s hunting worms …
142: The adventurization of travel
Sep 22, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rowland Stone is a tour guide for an adventure travel company …
141: Renee Carter and the Foreshadow Projector(™)
Sep 21, 2015 • 2 min
Predestiny is like a doughnut hole …
140: Elmer demonstrates his one-handed pancake technique
Sep 18, 2015 • 2 min
By the time I got to Elmer’s Cafe, it was all over. Pancake batter dripped off the walls. The countertop was covered in syrup. Doc was gone. Stanley Oliver Terrick looked to be in a state of shock …
139: The trouble with turtle-backed squishberries
Sep 17, 2015 • 2 min
I went to visit my friend Buford Colic the other day. That was a mistake. No sooner did I turn up at Buford’s farm than he put me to work harvesting turtle-backed squishberries …
138: Chopsticks
Sep 16, 2015 • 3 min
Young Brian had a question. That was no surprise - Brian almost always had a question …
137: The shaggy dog story revisited
Sep 15, 2015 • 3 min
Guy and a dog walk into a bar …
136: You are what you eat
Sep 14, 2015 • 2 min
I woke up this morning with the distinct impression that I could feel my fingernails getting longer …
135: Rita Book
Sep 11, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rita Book is a lexical engineer for a company that manufactures literary devices …
134: The naked truth
Sep 10, 2015 • 2 min
A few days ago, I introduced my friend Stretch to a true story. I don’t think he’s ever met one before …
133: Spider in the woodshed
Sep 9, 2015 • 1 min
Abner sings a fun, mildly spooky song for the kids: There’s a spider in the woodshed, don’t go there …
132: Jimmy Fingerbutton and his sparkling Flash Water(™)
Sep 8, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of sparkling water. He calls it Flash Water (™). Instead of bubbles, it has tiny pinpoints of light floating around inside …
131: Abner climbs Sneak Peak
Sep 7, 2015 • 2 min
I brought my fishing pole up to the top of Sneak Peak the other day. Sneak Peak isn’t the tallest mountain around, but it’s very shy …
130: Where do you get your ideas?
Sep 4, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Brian Teaser is a professional ideologist. That means he sits in a room all day long, sorting through loose jumbles of thoughts and vague random impressions, just to see if any of them qualify as ideas …
129: On the trail of the slick-fingered hornswoggle
Sep 3, 2015 • 2 min
Vern Acular and I were picking our way carefully and quietly through a grove of crabapple trees the other day …
128: Mary Gold and the Flower House
Sep 2, 2015 • 3 min
The Flower House is what Mary called it. She walked by the house on Blossom Lane almost every day - even if she didn’t have to …
127: The Kingdom of Microstan
Sep 1, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Foster Goodwill just got named ambassador to the Kingdom of Microstan …
126: Click if you’re having a precious moment
Aug 31, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Tim Keeper walked up to me the other day and handed me a button …
125: Just take the stairs
Aug 28, 2015 • 2 min
Stanley Oliver Terrick was eating a dumpster when I walked into Elmer’s Cafe …
124: The literal arts
Aug 27, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Sophie Moore is a college student. She’s majoring in literal arts …
123: Where summer camps out for the winter
Aug 26, 2015 • 1 min
Anatol Finkelfoy was a gallant young boy / Who lived in the village of Glummer …
122: Lou Scannon speaks without thinking
Aug 25, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Lou Scannon tends to say things without thinking …
121: Shipwreck in a bottle
Aug 24, 2015 • 2 min
I was combing the beach out on Bottle Neck this morning - just cleaning up after the squall that blew through overnight …
120: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the Infinity Wheels(™)
Aug 21, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton is reinventing the wheel. I said “great! Then you can re-tire!” …
119: There is a place unlike home
Aug 20, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were only three days south of There when the clouds hailed us …
118: Book Mark
Aug 19, 2015 • 2 min
Mark Page found himself in a book one day. He was quite surprised by this. He didn’t know anybody else in the book …
117: Clara Boyd and the secret alphabet
Aug 18, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Clara Boyd believes there’s a secret alphabet hidden somewhere deep within the usual A B C D E, and so on …
116: The stones in Jagged Creek
Aug 17, 2015 • 2 min
I was sitting on the banks of Jagged Creek the other day, just watching the world float by …
115: Flora Caprifolia and the Turf Replicating Interchangeable Perambulation Surfaces(™)
Aug 14, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is Junior Vice President of Marketing Ploys at a company that makes what she calls TRIPS …
114: A visit from a cloud
Aug 13, 2015 • 2 min
I was picnicking out on Wild Side the other day. I had a nice salad of purslane and wood sorrel leaves, with a dressing made of crushed blueberries …
113: Blue caught a skunk
Aug 12, 2015 • 1 min
Another little song for the kids …
112: Archie Meade’s new literary genre
Aug 11, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Archie Meade is developing a new literary genre. It’s called “arithmefiction” …
111: The artist’s shack
Aug 10, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Lou Strator is an artist. He used to live in a wooden shack down by the beach …
110: The confederation of Abner
Aug 7, 2015 • 2 min
I woke up this morning only to find my teeth were already awake …
109: Stretch and the upside-down mountain
Aug 6, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch claims there’s an upside-down mountain out by Fargone, at the base of the Kitchen Range …
108: That’s my name, don’t wear it out!
Aug 5, 2015 • 3 min
On the first day of school, Robert’s teacher said his name 27 times. Robert was worried about that …
107: Gnarly Carl
Aug 4, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Gnarly Carl is an oak tree. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t ALWAYS an oak tree … I get the impression in his younger days, he was really poplar …
106: The hunter becomes the hunted
Aug 3, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Bugsy Diptera talked me into joining his little hunting expedition out on the Great Salt Marsh this morning …
105: Thinking caps
Jul 31, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Bill O’Sale is launching a new business venture …
104: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the humidity towel
Jul 30, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of dehumidifier …
103: Hooray for the beach!
Jul 29, 2015 • 1 min
Another little song: Good morning, sun, how do you do? / It’s nice to see the sky so blue / We need a slice of bacon each / And then we’re going to the beach! …
102: The rumor begins
Jul 28, 2015 • 2 min
I heard a rumor the other day. I heard it on the wind, which means it could have come from anywhere …
101: Ba dump bump!
Jul 27, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Vaudeville Bill wants to be a comedian. He’s always trying out “new” material …
100: The woolly canine story
Jul 24, 2015 • 10 min
“I’ve been out on the Wild Side, searching for prehistoric long-haired dogs. Have you ever heard of a woolly canine?” …
99: Directions to the edge of town
Jul 23, 2015 • 2 min
A gentleman I’d never seen before stopped me on the street the other day. He said “can you tell me how to get to Runcible’s Flatware Emporium?” …
98: With great power comes great responsibility
Jul 22, 2015 • 3 min
Having magical powers was not as nice as it sounded, thought Jessica …
97: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the waterproof pockets
Jul 21, 2015 • 2 min
Nobody ever does laundry without inspiration. Unfortunately, the Laundry Muse never shows herself until you can see the bottom of your sock drawer …
96: Earth tones
Jul 20, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Terry Ferma likes to dress in what he calls “Earth tones” …
95: Stretch walks tall
Jul 17, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch came walking up to me the other day - if walking is the right word for it …
94: Archie builds an addition
Jul 16, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Archie Meade is building an addition to his house. I said “how come nobody ever builds subtractions?” …
93: Missy Holmes and the mystery of the peanut butter sandwich
Jul 15, 2015 • 2 min
Missy Holmes was cleaning her room one day when she found a peanut butter sandwich under the bed …
92: Everybody skips a Thursday from time to time
Jul 14, 2015 • 2 min
Some days just never go according to plan. Take Mondays, for instance …
91: Evelyn Devlin and the poetry of facial expression
Jul 13, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Evelyn Devlin invented a new form of poetry. I said “great! What’s it sound like?” …
90: Stretch joins the Witness Perfection Program
Jul 10, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch is an incredible guy, in the sense that he is utterly lacking in credibility …
89: Esther Day and the origin of history
Jul 9, 2015 • 2 min
“Making history is like throwing a rock into the ocean …”
88: A breathtaking monster named Gasp
Jul 8, 2015 • 1 min
In the mountains of Malagalasp / Lives a breathtaking monster named Gasp …
87: The pencil with a mind of its own
Jul 7, 2015 • 2 min
I had a blue pencil once. It had a mind of its own …
86: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the chronovision glasses
Jul 6, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of eyeglasses. He claims they let you see into the future …
85: Firework patrol
Jul 3, 2015 • 2 min
Around these parts, the best place to watch the fireworks is out by Lark’s Meadow …
84: Wanda Farr, location scout
Jul 2, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Wanda Farr is a location scout for a dream assembly unit. She travels all over the globe looking for exotic settings to serve as the backdrop for people’s dreams …
83: Why do clovers have three leaves?
Jul 1, 2015 • 3 min
Do you remember a long time ago, when I told you about a very smart and curious young boy named Brian? He was always asking questions, like “why is the sky blue?” and “where does the sun go at night?” …
82: Reasonable Explanations, Incorporated
Jun 30, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is a Junior Vice President of Marketing Ploys at a company that manufactures excuses. I said “I suppose you have a good reason for working there …”
81: The bucket brigade
Jun 29, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were hiking down along the Almanac River the other day. We followed the river from its headwaters up by Winter Springs all the way down to Summer Falls …
80: A journey beyond the shadow of a doubt
Jun 26, 2015 • 2 min
Stanley Oliver Terrick was arguing with Elmer about Truth. He said “that’s a lie! The Truth is not shaped like a pyramid – it’s round like a ball, and it’s mushy in the middle …”
79: B. Snee, the pepper man
Jun 25, 2015 • 2 min
I saw my friend Stretch the other day. He was heading out of town on the Arcadian Road. I said “where are YOU going?” …
78: The little baby crab song
Jun 24, 2015 • 1 min
Here’s a fun little song for the younger kids …
77: Two legs, no wading
Jun 23, 2015 • 2 min
I saw my friend Seth Haitian the other day. He was standing on the beach, looking out to sea and waving his arms …
76: Clara Boyd and the malevolent earthworm conspiracy
Jun 22, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Paranoid Clara Boyd used to believe the Earth was actually some kind of super-size industrial washing machine, with its current load on spin cycle. But that was last week. She’s moved on …
75: Supervising the morning shift
Jun 19, 2015 • 2 min
This morning began without my knowledge or consent – although in retrospect, I suppose I should have seen it coming …
74: Wait … what just happened?
Jun 18, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Esther Day is an historian. She specializes in researching very short term historical phenomena …
73: Rose and the evil English teacher
Jun 17, 2015 • 3 min
Rose Bush was allergic to B’s. Not really, of course. After all, a B is just a grade on a report card, and how can anybody be allergic to that? …
72: The Valley of Least Ambition
Jun 16, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Vern Acular and I were traipsing along out on Wild Side the other day. We had no agenda, which is unusual, on account of Vern is always on the trail of some leafy beast or carnivorous vegetable …
71: A rainy day conversation
Jun 15, 2015 • 2 min
It was a cold, rainy morning. Even the rain itself seemed glum …
70: Jimmy Fingerbutton and the electric socks
Jun 12, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented electric socks. He showed them to me one time. I said “they don’t look very comfortable” …
69: How much air is there?
Jun 11, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Archie Meade is working on a new math problem: he’s trying to calculate how much air there is …
68: Two pliés and a pirouette
Jun 10, 2015 • 3 min
George Graffer and his sister Cora walked down the long gray corridor. Actually, George walked. Cora skipped. Occasionally, she hopped. Now and then, she turned a cartwheel …
67: Stretch and the blue streak
Jun 9, 2015 • 2 min
I saw my friend Stretch the other day, out on Wild Side Road. He had twigs in his hair, and his socks were covered in burrs, and he looked like he’d been left out overnight in the rain …
66 - Bonus Episode: The tale of Abner and the little tiny man
May 15, 2015 • 15 min
We found this old recording in the archives and dusted it off as best we could. We will return with a new batch of stories in June. In the meantime, please rate and review the podcast on iTunes or your favorite podcatcher.
65: Always carry a spoon
May 15, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were hiking out the Yonder Track on our way to Glory when Miles stopped and said “did you remember to bring a spoon?” …
64: Where do pencils come from?
May 14, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is a junior vice president of marketing ploys at a company that grows pencils …
63: Horace, the gingerbread man
May 13, 2015 • 3 min
Horace Grooley was a gingerbread man. He lived in a gingerbread house. His clothing had no buttons, only snaps …
62: Jimmy Fingerbutton and his patented No Body Nose(™)
May 12, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented an artificial nose …
61: Doc tells a joke
May 11, 2015 • 2 min
I walked into Elmer’s Cafe just in time to hear Elmer say “that doesn’t make any sense!” …
60: What flower would you be?
May 8, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia asked me “if you could be any flower in the world, what would you be?” …
59: Stretch travels around the world
May 7, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch told me he’s about to embark on a trip around the world. I said “great! What’s your itinerary?” He said “all of it.” …
58: The far-off land of Rhetoree
May 6, 2015 • 2 min
In the far-off land of Rhetoree, where people speak persuasively / Of marching forth and doing wondrous things …
57: Sleepless at Elmer’s
May 5, 2015 • 2 min
Elmer started it. But that’s no surprise – Elmer usually starts it …
56: Cookie bakes a birthday cake
May 4, 2015 • 1 min
My friend Cookie Baker hey’d me this morning. From all the way across the street, he shouted “hey Abner!” …
55: Getting blood from a stone
May 1, 2015 • 2 min
I saw my friend Paranoid Clara Boyd sitting in the park this morning. She didn’t look busy – or agitated – so I said “may I join you?” …
54: The tribulations of an impossibility reversal specialist
Apr 30, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Will Dewitt thinks anything is possible. Which is a real kink in the garden hose, on account of Will makes his living by doing the impossible …
53: Jessica’s magical powers
Apr 29, 2015 • 3 min
Jessica was 12 years old when she realized she had magical powers. She could make birds fly simply by waving her arms …
52: The mathematical meaning of life
Apr 28, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Archie Meade is studying modern mathematical philosophy – with an emphasis on the philosophy …
51: Balloon animals in the wild
Apr 27, 2015 • 2 min
Vern Acular and I were hiking out on Wild Side the other day. We were looking for escaped balloon animals…
50: Jimmy Fingerbutton’s Hey Come See(™) magnet
Apr 24, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a magnet that attracts out of town visitors. I said “so it’s a tourist attraction” …
49: The talking backwards blues
Apr 23, 2015 • 2 min
I knew something was wrong the minute I woke up this morning …
48: Running out of time
Apr 22, 2015 • 3 min
Sam Swift was the fastest boy in school. He could outrun anybody, even boys who were much older than he was …
47: The decision tree
Apr 21, 2015 • 2 min
You ever get that tentative, standing-at-the-crossroads feeling where you’re not sure what to do next? …
46: Harmless pet snakes
Apr 20, 2015 • 2 min
I walked into Elmer’s Cafe just in time to miss the tail end of Buddy’s heartwarming and often-told story about a pet garter snake he used to have, back when he was a kid …
45: Stretch’s millions
Apr 17, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch claims to be an eccentric millionaire. I said “does that mean you take a funny orbit around money?” …
44: Are spring peepers dangerous?
Apr 16, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Vern Acular and I were out on firefly patrol last night. It’s early in the season, but you can’t ever afford to let your guard down …
43: Boris Two Tears’ Academy for Young Doers of Great Things
Apr 15, 2015 • 3 min
Bobby always knew he was destined to do Great Things. After all, he was famous from the minute he was born …
42: Some destinations must be arrived at sideways …
Apr 14, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rusty Sheehan bumped into me the other day – not too surprisingly, seeing as how he was walking sideways …
41: Egg shells, car pools, and top hats
Apr 13, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Bill O’Sale is a businessman. He’s always on the lookout for new business opportunities …
40: Jimmy Fingerbutton and his patented Remind Control(™) technology
Apr 10, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented an unforgetting machine. I can’t remember what it’s called …
39: Four seasons in a day
Apr 9, 2015 • 2 min
It was springtime when I woke up this morning. By the time I finished breakfast, I could feel summer coming over the horizon …
38: Why the woodpecker knocks
Apr 8, 2015 • 1 min
Here’s a little poem for the kids: In the forest of Toogaloo Dank / Lived a spotted woodpecker named Hank …
37: Small world
Apr 7, 2015 • 2 min
They say the world is getting smaller. I don’t rightly know about that. THEY say a lot of things that don’t make any sense …
36: Breezy Bill’s birthday
Apr 6, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Seth Haitian is a marine biologist. He studies the life cycle of whales …
35: The pollinator
Apr 2, 2015 • 2 min
I saw my friend Paul Nader the other day. He was wearing a bright yellow vest, a pair of wings, a couple of saddlebags strapped to his legs, and a fuzzy black hat with a pair of antennae sticking out the top …
34: Why is the sky blue?
Apr 1, 2015 • 3 min
Not too long ago, in a town not too far away, there lived a very sensible young boy named Brian …
33: The timekeeper
Mar 31, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Buddy just got a new job. He’s a timekeeper. It’s a dream job, when you think about it …
32: Abner gets a haircut
Mar 30, 2015 • 2 min
I walked into Elmer’s Cafe the other day. Elmer said “who are you?” …
31: Counting cows
Mar 27, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Archie Meade is a graduate student. He’s studying modern mathematical philosophy …
30: Limber Jack
Mar 26, 2015 • 3 min
My friend Limber Jack is a conditioning coach for triathletes …
29: The tale of young Alice and the biscuits
Mar 25, 2015 • 3 min
Once upon a far away and long ago, there lived a young girl named Alice …
28: Octavia writes an opera
Mar 24, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Octavia Allegra is a composer of classical music …
27: A seat at the table
Mar 23, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Anne Tenner has a giant set of eating utensils installed on her roof …
26: The elephant in the room
Mar 20, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Miles Walker and I were on our way out of town the other day …
25: Inverse psychology
Mar 19, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Haley Bailey is an expert on inverse psychology …
24: Ducks and drakes
Mar 18, 2015 • 2 min
The first warm day of spring always reminds me of how out of shape I am …
23: Stretch and the polygraph test
Mar 17, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch is a world class liar. He’s lied his way across all 15 continents …
22: The paint gun
Mar 16, 2015 • 2 min
I bought a new paint gun the other day …
21: The physics of hot and cold
Mar 13, 2015 • 2 min
Elmer’s Cafe was buzzing from the minute I got there this morning …
20: The world is coming apart at the seams
Mar 12, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Paranoid Clara Boyd is convinced the world is coming apart at the seams …
19: Clandestine public relations
Mar 11, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Foster Goodwill has a PhD in Clandestine Public Relations …
18: Jimmy Fingerbutton’s Plus One Perplexifier(™)
Mar 10, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of adding machine …
17: Wolverskunk
Mar 9, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Vern and I were traipsing around again out on Wild Side this morning …
16: A long talk with the wind
Mar 6, 2015 • 2 min
I had a long talk with the wind this morning. Turns out he had a lot to say …
15: A brief visit to Elmer’s Cafe
Mar 5, 2015 • 2 min
If you haven’t been to Elmer’s Cafe, it’s not hard to imagine: it’s just a counter top and nine stools …
14: Jimmy Fingerbutton’s Abstract Glue(™)
Mar 4, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a new kind of adhesive …
13: Extraterrestrial gift shop
Mar 3, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Bill O’Sale runs a gift shop for extraterrestrial visitors …
12: Choosing sides
Mar 2, 2015 • 2 min
I hate it when my left brain and my right brain force me to choose sides …
11: Rosetta Stone’s made-up words
Feb 27, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Rosetta Stone likes to make up words …
10: Journey to the center of the Earth
Feb 26, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Stretch claims he’s been to the center of the Earth …
9: Free will is a choice
Feb 25, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Renee D. Carter doesn’t believe in free will …
8: Jimmy Fingerbutton’s robotic flying birdcage
Feb 24, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Jimmy Fingerbutton invented a robotic flying birdcage …
7: Letter to my future self
Feb 23, 2015 • 2 min
I got a letter the other day. It was addressed ‘To my future self:’ …
6: Stackable apples
Feb 20, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Flora Caprifolia is a junior vice president of marketing ploys …
5: Winter tall tales
Feb 19, 2015 • 1 min
It was still dark when I woke up this morning …
4: New hand gesture
Feb 18, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Manny Dexter invented a new hand gesture …
3: The winter woogies
Feb 17, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Vern Acular and I were out tramping through the snow on Wild Side …
2: Be prepared
Feb 17, 2015 • 2 min
My friend Roy Stout likes to be prepared for anything that could possibly happen …
1: The cause of global warming
Feb 17, 2015 • 2 min
The snow was still coming down when I piled into Elmer’s Cafe …